Oasis...

Spotify: my current lifesaver

2012-02-02T13:54:00.000-08:00

I love music. Thats not really a surprise to anyone who’s known me for very long. I find myself obsessing over new artists and new albums that come out (Milio Greene, The Civil Wars & Andrew Belle are my current obsessions). I will drop ridiculous amounts of money to see a band live, reasoning that peanut butter & jelly will suffice as lunch AND dinner for a few weeks. I have been known to walk out of concerts using words like “epic”, “mesmerized”, “enthralled”...

For several years, my days have been filled with multiple cups of coffee, my bible and that blessed invention of Apple: the iPod. I had playlists for every emotion, every event, any mood you were in. Need a dance party? I have a playlist for that. Feeling sad? A little Civil Wars might help. Losing focus? Let Shane & Shane bring your focus back to Jesus. You say its rainy & cold? Don’t worry, John Mayer and Jack Johnson will keep you company. Every trip had a soundtrack, every mood an accompaniment. Hours upon hours of music that I had acquired over the years, both purchased and (legally) shared. If ever I was having a bad day, a quick cup of coffee and the touch of a button and my perspective could be shifted before reaching the chorus of the right song.

I. love. music.

And then the unthinkable happened.

My blessed iPod classic went missing.

Right after I moved to Cali my little black box went missing, so for months I have had rely on what I had on my computer (not near as much) or the random shuffling and the (mostly terrible) playlists of Pandora. It was okay, but not the same.

But then I found Spotify. For $10 a month I have access to every album I used to own as well as all the ones I didn’t. And once again I can make playlist upon playlist which is seriously so much fun!

I happen to believe that music is a fierce weapon in spiritual warfare. Some of you may be arms-crossed-foot-barely-tapping worshippers, and you will find no judgement here, but I am an expressive, danc-yy, I-sing-way-too-loud-good-thing-its-not-off-key kind of gal. I LOVE TO WORSHIP THROUGH SONG!

I am pretty sure that music is my love language. It helps me have better perspective and leads me to pray. So in this season that has felt more like a desert than I care to admit most days, I am extremely grateful that the Lord has brought this extraordinary piece of technology my way. If you haven’t checked it out, I highly recommend it. It just might save your life.

What new (or old favorite) music are you stuck on right now?

steady my heart

2012-01-28T23:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you discover a song that sums up everything you're feeling. Which is helpful because those are usually the times its hardest to explain. I hope you find this song as encouraging as I currently am finding it, as I learn that each and every moment/ whats good and what gets broken/ happens just the way [He] plans....

"Steady My Heart"

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You're here
You're real
I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart [x2]

I'm not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way that You plan

And I will run to You
You're my refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are

You steady my heart [x2]

Rockstar Moms

2012-01-26T13:24:00.000-08:00

Train up a child in the way he should go, and he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

My mom is a rockstar. For many reasons, but today I want to commend her for this:

I don't know how many times we listened to this cassette tape, along with a couple of Doughnut Man tapes we owned. Today, due to the awesomeness of Spotify, I played this bad boy in the car after picking up the little guy I nanny.

Its not really that great....and if you listen to a lot of kids songs, they aren't. The early 90s were no exception. The funny thing is: I remembered every word.

If you think your kids aren't paying attention, you're wrong. If you think that twenty years later they won't remember the lyrics you're playing in your car, you've got another thing coming. So, today I am really glad that while this particular album is full of awkwardly rapped songs about the bible....they are, indeed, songs about the Bible. They are really encouraging songs about Jesus and how he loves us and the people God chooses to highlight in His Word.

I will never understand why people think Kid Bopz is a good idea....its the same lyrics, same songs...just sung by kids. Strange. I don't think adults singing Katie Perry songs is a very good idea, much less people under the age of ten.

To all the moms out there, who find they are slightly annoyed with Veggie Tales or other awkward arrangements of songs that get stuck in your head, just remember...they are getting stuck in your kids' head too. And twenty years from now if, in a moment of hurt or fear your kid starts singing "God is bigger than the boogey-man" and it reminds them that God is, in fact able to handle their problems, it will be worth it.

Learning to Love Being a Link

2012-01-17T08:27:00.000-08:00

Transitions can be difficult. They don’t feel as glamorous as they sound. Sometimes they are painful and extremely awkward. One minute you are certain you are following Jesus into the “unknown future” and “preparing for whatever the Lord has next” but then day after day your waiting turns into frustration. You have no more answers than you did 6 months ago, let alone two weeks ago, and you begin to wish people would stop asking you questions about your “future”. Phrases like one day at a time and waiting on the Lord become the mantra you’re not even sure you believe anymore.

Thankfully, we have a Father who wants to keep reminding us that He is close; He is near and involved. A God who loves us enough to whisper, “Don’t lose your faith because I haven’t chosen to bail you out...yet.” A gracious and loving Savior who simply wants you to walk with him instead of searching out the next “big moment”; who wants us to learn to be faithful in the small days.

Not as fun as it sounds.

But the incredible thing is that if we will make choices to know Him, spend time with Him, worship Him, we will also gain perspective.

This morning the Father used some of my brave and loving friends in Kansas to remind me that I have been a link in the chain for many people on their journey to know Jesus Christ. And even more, if I will get up TODAY with open availability, simply trusting Him, he will keep on using me to be a link in the chain for days to come. I have the opportunity to be part of someone’s faith story, in all the choices I make today.

I don’t know what today holds for you. Today I’m a nanny so I am going to throw on jeans and a T-shirt, play Legos with a seven year old and read books to a four year old. Your day may look slightly different, but we all have a chance to be a link in the chain for someone today.

In the future, I may have a different, dare I say more applauded, assignment, but I know that today I will choose to make it my joy to make much of Jesus, on the road He has me on right now.

Remember you are one link, but a chain is made up of many links. Do your part.

TOGETHER WE ARE A FORCE FOR GOOD.

"So, how was Passion?"

2012-01-13T10:52:00.000-08:00

Passion 2012 isn't an event. Its a movement. And lets be honest its difficult to sum up a movement in the answer to the question, "How was Passion?". It was overwhelming to be honest. Even with my 30 second answer on hand (thanks FOCUS) I found that I just want to keep saying, "It was amazing" , which doesn't really explain anything. So I thought I would highlight a few moments that will be forever impressed on my heart. Starting today, with:

The Hand

This was such a fun and intense part of the week for me. I stood in the midst of 45,000 people for about an hour in SILENCE. It was truly the loudest silence I have ever experienced. I could literally feel it. When we had about 15 minutes to go until midnight a girl started reading (supernaturally loud, I might add...) from the Gospels, " Could you not keep watch for one hour? Watch and pray....the Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." It was the push we all needed to continue stand and pray in the cold Atlanta night. And then, as the clocks turned to midnight, the lights began to burn...to be a light to all who would see, for the Glory of Christ and to proclaim freedom for the captives.

From somewhere in the back of the crowd they started singing a song we had learned during the week. It gives me chills every time I think of it. We'll be that city on a hill burning brightly/ We'll be a light to the world, shining Your Glory...

CNN tells the story pretty well so watch this video to get a glimpse of how powerful this was.

See what I mean? Insane. Powerful. Awesome.

And this was just a brief moment in an intense week filled with surrender, hope, joy and so much JESUS!! I'll leave you to let that soak in and I'll share more later.

2012 = Discipline

2012-01-10T09:58:00.000-08:00

I like a routine to deviate from. If you know me for any length of time you will know that is a phrase I tend to use, especially around holidays or vacation times; seasons where I have no "normal" schedule and the days just seem to run together. Not a fan of that.

However, I also can't stand rigid rules or schedules. I like to have flexibility in my week. I enjoy planning my weeks only a few weeks in advance instead of the predictability of knowing what will happen day in and day out.

I know. Its weird. But its me.

So today I am extremely grateful to be back at work (even though I have a sick kid today) and starting to have a somewhat regular schedule that I can change up as I see fit. Maybe its a control thing....I should probably flesh that out at some point...but not right now. :)

Instead, I want to talk about my FinishYear status. Well, seeing as how I'm currently blogging, I guess I'm doing pretty well. Last week I was in Atlanta for the Passion conference (simply amazing) so this is really my first week of getting started.

I have a feeling 2012 is going to be about discipline. Not ready for that one. But I DO know that don't want to get to the end of the year without having finished my list. So I'm going to get after it.

Whats on your list for 2012?

I Am Resolved....

2011-12-31T19:44:00.000-08:00

"Resist making a list of regrets. Our hopes have far more power to shape us than our failures ever will." ~Bob Goff

I don't make New Years Resolutions because frankly, I don't like to set myself up for failure. Its not my thing. However this year I decided to make some. Jon Acuff deemed 2012 FinishYear so I'm jumping on the bandwagon.

My FinishYear is going to include the following:
1. Blogging at least once a week (hmmm I guess you'll be the first to know if that happens!)
2. Finish the book I've been "working on".
3. Share the book with 3 people
4. Send a writing sample to Relevant. (this one makes me want to pee my pants in fear.....)
5.Read 12 non-fiction books
6.Make 3 of the 12 biographies (any suggestions?)
7.Have $1,000 in my emergency fund (and really keep it there for emergencies!)

and I think I'm going to add one more:

Not spend all of 2012 regretting or dwelling on all the stupid things I did in 2011.

I have to admit it was a rough year for me. I said and did some things I'm not super proud of. I selfishly made choices that effected more people than I cared to admit at the time. Over all it just wasn't my best year ever. It would be really easy to spend the next 365 days lamenting how I messed up this or that during the last year. However, I'm going to choose to believe and LIVE OUT that the best is yet to come. Isaiah 52:12 says "But you will not leave in haste or go in flight; FOR THE LORD WILL GO BEFORE YOU, THE GOD OF ISRAEL WILL BE YOUR REAR GAURD."

Amen, right?!?

Today the Father highlighted a few things for me in my time with Him and one of those was that He is a God who can redeem and restore everything. The verse that kept coming to mind was from Ephesians 2 "You used to walk in darkness BUT GOD, who is rich in mercy....

Its that amazing phrase that I'm holding onto tightly "But God..."

In 2011, I made a lot of mistakes, BUT GOD...
In 2011, I gave too much of my heart away BUT GOD...
In 2011, I made some hasty decisions leaving me confused about my ability to hear from the Lord BUT GOD...

Over and over He reminded me that He is rich in mercy, He is not going to treat my sins as they deserve and even if I have to live with the consequences and effects of my sin and failures, it turns out He is still using failing sinners to get to the Gospel to ends of the earth. Hallelujah!

So in 2012, I am looking forward to celebrating the redemption of a beautiful loving Savior that DIED so that I could be made alive. A God who didn't wait until I had it all together to die for me, but did so while I was still in rebellion. So my favorite NewYears Resolution this year is this:

I am going to "leave the broken, irreversible past in God's Hands,

and step out into the INVINCIBLE future with Jesus." (Oswald Chambers)

After all, the best is still to come.

Happy 2012! May it be filled with Joy, Peace and more Hope than you can fathom for the glory of the Living God!

Good news for a new year

2011-12-29T21:44:00.000-08:00

I think I'm emotionally exhausted. Its been a long year. An awful lot of life was lived and not all of it was pretty. But all of it is being redeemed and (hopefully) making me look more and more like Jesus (Romans 8:28-29). Today, I was extremely encouraged by this quote from S.W. Smith: "There's not one sinful, selfish or stupid thing we've done in 2011 which the gospel can't redeem. 2012 looks good too." That is GOOD NEWS for me.

As I get ready to walk into 2012 I am choosing to remember that God is making all things new, including me. None of the things I "messed up" this year have to stay broken. All of it can be restored and made beautiful. Praise the Lord!

So what about you? What have you messed up/given up on/ felt like you failed at that Jesus can make new?

I'm not normally a New Years Resolution kind of person, but for various reasons, I decided that this would be the year that I make some. We'll see how they go. I'll share them in the days to come. Jon Acuff has deemed 2012 "Finish Year" so I'm jumping on board with that. It might help to have some encouragement.

In two days we say good bye to 2011. I might say "good riddance"...but with a thankful heart. I learned a lot of good lessons this year. Not the least of which was that wrestling with God means I'm close to Him....because you can't wrestle with someone who is far away. And in the end, if I'm near to the Living God, that's really all that matters.

Love Leaks

2011-12-14T15:26:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wanna play it safe. Sometimes I freak out. I hate feeling vulnerable and can't stand the idea of being rejected. So I start to withhold my attention, love & affection....assuming that I won't get hurt that way. But that's false. Love given is always worth it. If its not returned, I get to CHOOSE to let the God of the Universe remind me of all the love HE has lavished on me in kindness. He is both good and trustworthy.

“...We were made to leak Jesus. We’re the ones who are supposed to love each other extravagantly, spontaneously, not just on Wednesday nights or Sunday mornings...When we love each other extravagantly, our love gets on everybody and everything....He takes the old version of us and whispers to us that we were made to leak our love. He tells us to do it with extravagance; to let it get on everything and everybody...He lets us decide every day whether we’ll play it safe or leak what we love.” ~Bob Goff

I will tell of the kindnesses of the LORD,
   the deeds for which he is to be praised,
   according to all the LORD has done for us—
yes, the many good things
   he has done for Israel,
   according to his compassion and many kindnesses.

Isaiah 63:7

a quick letter to my 14year old self

2011-12-09T17:09:00.001-08:00

Dear 14 year old self,

Your dreams are about to come true. In a world that exists mostly of Nickelodeon, Baby Tees & scrunchies a MAN will enter. He will be amazing. Adventurous. Caring. He will understand you, be artistic AND brave. He's the kind of guy that would let you have the whole plank while he himself shivers in the Atlantic, eventually drowning while that selfish cow lives on...(seriously, there was totally enough room for both of them on there...I digress). You will eventually collect over 200 pictures of him...and place them in an awkward scrap book that you will later be really embarrassed by. But he will shine like the sun. Who is this man?

Leonardo DiCaprio.

Good ole Leo. In fact you will be pretty convinced that you might actually marry this man some day. sigh....oh to dream big dreams again.

You will go see "Titanic" in the theaters no less than 5 times. You will practically worship the ground Leo walks on and for years to come you will boast of what a great actor he is. And then it will happen.

Two words.

Re-release.

Yes, they will indeed choose to re-release this "epic" movie and you will rejoice (quietly). Of course, you must wait to find out what other people think, but secretly you will be excited. You will plan to sit in the theaters once or twice and watch...yes in 3D.

So just know, all your love is not in vain.

Leo Mania Forever.
Love,
28 year old you.

PS turns out you should listen to your mom on the tights thing: they eventually are "all the rage" and you will own seven pair. don't fight it.

Jesus is Coming! Its Christmas!

2011-11-30T08:28:00.001-08:00

Its Christmas. Can you believe that tomorrow is December?! Kind of amazing. Take a minute and watch this video. Get yourself ready for Jesus. He is the King after all.

Advent: God With Us from The Village Church on Vimeo.

perspective

2011-11-29T12:51:00.001-08:00

Taking a deep breath. I'm about 90% sure there is no need to freak out. Maybe some day I'll be 100%. Until then, I will choose to trust the God who tells oceans what to do.

Get Yourself A Shanda

2011-11-28T09:35:00.001-08:00

You may not realize this, but you need a Shanda. I sincerely hope the God of the Universe (who loves you, I might add) sees fit to give you a Shanda.....and NO, you cannot have mine.

What is a Shanda, you ask? Well first and foremost she is a slightly less sassy version of yourself. Not really in personality, but in heart. My life is pretty weird, crazy and random in ways I could have never dreamed up as a kid...then again, I had some pretty awesome dreams so maybe I could have... Anyway, the Father, in his awesome wisdom, knew that I would never be able to fully explain all that was going on in my head and heart to people but I would desperately want to. I always want people to understand me or my situation...but its not possible or necessary. So He gave me a Shanda.

For Shanda and I, life tends to look like an incredible parallel.....God moves us around literally and figuratively much at the same time. God moved her to Texas about 5 months after moving me to Oklahoma. The Lord brought us both “home” to San Diego at the same for different reasons. Our relationship situations are sometimes awkwardly similar, although never the same boy or even the same type of boy....thankfully. :)

I love that I can call her and tell her things that are absolutely insane and she understands. We may not have all the answers but we have hope for each other. I know she prays for me and she for sure never judges me. I also talk to her about 7 times a day....in fact, when I don’t talk to her multiple times a day its kinda confusing and feels like its been “forever”. Even when she lived in Asia we talked at least twice a day....and somtimes more than that thanks to skype and gmail. Oh technology, how I love thee....

My Shanda is really funny, says lots of random things, sometimes makes awkward comments about her dead father.....(yes Shanda, its even awkward for me to say that....and I deleted it five times...) and loves Jesus more than anything. She pushes me to know and love Jesus Christ as fully as possible, is deep as the ocean in her love and pursuit of Jesus, yet she joins me in my shallow pursuit of the perfect lipgloss. Her heart for people is the most inspiring thing ever and she is on the short list of people I have driven cross country with....which I hope to do again soon. She is an incredible friend, that drives to see me regularly because I’m lame and can’t ever seem to make it to Poway. She is my favorite person EVER to linger at the beach with and she’s listened to me plan my perfect wedding a thousand times, promising to wear pink with a smile, even though she’s a red head....because she’s awesome like that.

In short, she’s a keeper. I’m a fan. And I am grateful.

Jesus, thank you for my gospel-posse of which Shanda is such a key member. Bless her like crazy this year. Make it spectacular and wonderful and over the top. I don’t know that You can “out-do” yourself, but I’m asking You to try....for her. You already gave me so much grace by giving me a friend like her. Hallelujah! What a salvation! Hallelujah! What a Savior! Amen and amen.

PS. Happy Birthday, Shanda.

Merry (Guilt-free) Christmas!!!

2011-11-25T08:08:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas!!!

Take a minute and watch this video:

[AC] Promo 2011 from Advent Conspiracy on Vimeo.

Back in college a mentor of mine encouraged me to learn to live guilt free...starting with Christmas. Jesus came to give us abundant life, free of guilt, shame and condemnation. But we tend to celebrate his coming to earth by spending money we don't have, on gifts people don't need (or want) because we feel obligated to get things for people...even people we aren't sure we like. Then we feel guilty if we don't or just don't have the means to really spend the money. Endless trips to stores we can't afford, condemning cashiers for their cheery "Happy Holidays" because clearly they are the ones taking Christ out of CHRISTmas. Never mind all the guilt trips we take trying to decide who to spend Christmas with and how long we should stay and on and on.... I'm tired and its only the day after Thanksgiving.

Of course then there is the "I-should-buy-no-gifts-and-feel-guilty-if-I-do" end of the spectrum. We promise not to buy anyone gifts this year and give all your money away, but you saw this amazing book you know your best friend would love, or a pair of tights your sister has been wanting for months...and you feel awful because now you have to buy everyone or no one gifts and anyway what happened to NOT buying presents....ugh. See? Its all crazy.

So my suggestion this Christmas is FREEDOM.

Jesus is here and everything is different. If you have money and you want to give gifts to people...please do....with JOY. Some people absolutely love giving gifts....don't feel bad if you want to love on some people through gifts. If you don't have money...don't feel obligated to buy people stuff they don't need because of guilt. Its not worth it. They won't like it that much, anyway.

And my third suggestion is this: give sacrificially. Some of us don't have lots of extra money, but its different to give a little more than I can afford to help someone in need. God honors that. And you will love it.

So this Advent season give to help someone, to rescue a little girl, to bring a child solider home, to end a war, to give clean water.

And, hey....while you're at it..tell people that Jesus loves them. It just might make their year.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T13:02:00.001-08:00

I'm adopted. Its not a secret, but I know some people may not not that... Today while thinking about what I'm thankful for, while sitting in the midst of my loud crazy family making a mental list of all I'm grateful for, one thing that came to mind is that I am THANKFUL for my adoption. The following poem is one I read in a book as a junior high girl. Two lines from it have been forever burned into my memory. They came to the surface of my memory today as I wait to enjoy all the crazy good food thats filling up the kitchen. This amazing open home where the food is never lacking and the grace is free flowing. A place where your blood relations, last name or ethnicity have no bearing on you being called "family".

So today I hope you are enjoying your family, whether there is chaos or calm. And I hope you find yourself feeling loved by the God of the Universe, who has ADOPTED you into His family, by the blood of Jesus.

Once there were two women who never knew each other,

One – you do not remember, the other you call mother.

Two different lives shaped to make your one -

One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

The first gave you life, and the second taught you to live in it.

The first gave you a need for love and the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality; the other gave you a name.

One gave you the seed of talent; the other gave you an aim.

One gave you emotions; the other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile; the other dried your tears.

One gave you up – that was all she could do.

The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you.

Now you ask through all your tears the age-old question through the years;

Heredity or environment – which are you a product of?

Neither, my darling – neither – just two different kinds of love.

-Author Unknown

dating

2011-11-23T18:57:00.001-08:00

Oh, dating.

It’s beautiful, really: Boy meets girl, boy woos girl, girl falls for boy. Wedding. Babies. Bliss.

Or, if you’re a Christian, it may go a little more like this: boy meets girl, boy hangs in groups with girl, girl falls in love, boy sends a text message, girl reads dating book, boy eats pizza, girl writes journal entries to her future husband, boy checks out the new Liam Neeson film, girl asks for prayer from her small group.

Tell me that made you laugh out loud? Because it sure did for me. Can you not relate?! Oh Lynds Rush. I think I’ll check out your blog now. Just wanted to share this. Happy Thanksgiving! Or day before rather....

911...whats your emergency?

2011-11-17T10:34:00.001-08:00

Modern day slavery is happening right now.

The link above it to a story that may be difficult to read, but please don't skip it. If you skip it, the rest of this will mean nothing.
Stop and read the story.

Father, forgive me. This should be my emergency. Forgive me because most days all I have to complain about is that there’s no wi-fi in a coffee shop...or maybe that my Grande Soy No Water Dirty Chai didn’t have enough foam. Even my worst days consist of frail complaints about school debt...debt I accrued attending an comparatively luxurious university in Southern California. Even if I receive a phone call about a late payment, no one has threatened to make me break rocks in a quarry for the rest of my life...or my children’s lives. My heart is broken. I can’t understand how people can do this. I have no idea where this could possibly come from....

I know, I know....there is no one righteous. No not one.

But THIS? This? Who looks at a six year old and thinks of sex. Do they not remember?? Can they not recall what it was like to be six. To be small and vulnerable and well....happy. When their biggest worry was whether they would be able to watch Sesame Street or if they would, in fact, get a bike for Christmas?

To be young and carefree and full of life...they must have forgotten.

You can not remember and then steal the innocence of a beautiful little girl. You cannot think for a moment, it is RIGHT or OKAY to have sex with a girl of any age that is tied to a bed post. There is nothing consensual about that situation.

Jesus! Make this our emergency! Don’t let this fade into the background. I know this breaks your heart. You, who in Resurrection power gave once-dead children back to their parents. You answered the cries of Hannah for a child, surely when you give the gift of life you mean for them to thrive...not be sold like objects to the highest bidder. Rather your desire is that they grow up in shalom...wholeness and live a life of knowing & glorying you.

Every parent wants good things for their kids....including and especially You, Father. You have called us out and upward. Give us the grace to rescue the perishing. Jesus, you did not die on the cross so we could play church and complain about our jobs. You died so that we could have new life. With that new life you give us the power and the responsibility to seek justice. May we do so we fervor and passion. Using all that You have given us to join you in what You already are doing....setting the captives free, spiritual and physically.

See how the faithful city has become a harlot! She was once full of justice; righteousness used to dwell in her- but now murderers! ...They do not defend the cause of the fatherless; the widows case does not come before them.... (Isaiah 1:21,23)

Break my heart for what breaks Yours/Everything I am for Your Kingdoms' cause....

So very Amen we pray...in the Just and Righteous name of Jesus.

Grace and Greatness

2011-11-10T17:31:00.001-08:00

Its Your love that we adore/Its like a sea without a shore/Don't be afraid/Don't be afraid/ Just set your sail and risk the ocean/There's only grace/Lets risk the ocean/There's only grace.... Where you go we will follow/I'm on my knees/Where You go we will follow/Oh God, send me!

Its been a while since I've listened to a song on repeat. I'm sitting in a Sbux and I've probably heard the above lyrics 8 times by now...but I just can't stop. In fact, its all I can do to not stand up and belt it out for all to hear (and stare). But have you stopped to read those lyrics? Go ahead, read them again. Isn't it rich? Lets risk the ocean/there's only grace...

So much grace. The God of the Universe has so much grace for us. For me. I'm broken. I find myself hurting and sad and some days are hard. I whine and pout about what I think I want and God reaches down to pull me out. He opens doors that I couldn't see and rocks my world with life-changing opportunities. He reveals Himself to me and invites me to join him...and He provides for the invitation.

What opportunities has He given to you today?

If you're like me you're afraid and you want to let the fear win. But don't do it. Its too easy. Its not that creative. You, my friend, have the chance to choose courage. And you don't know what the outcome will be...I don't either. But don't miss it because of fear. In the words of my mentor from afar, Erwin McManus, "You are not called to settle for a good life; YOU are called to a life of greatness."

Greatness.

Say it again: Greatness.

What are you attempting that can be defines as greatness?

For some of us it means applying for jobs that absolutely thrill our souls to imagine. For others is means stopping and spending the day really pouring into your beautiful family. It may mean you stop stalling and making excuses to just send that email of reconciliation. Or it could mean investing in your community, even though its scary or frustrating. It might be that you end an unhealthy relationship...or start one that honors the Lord. But no matter what: it will require trust. Trust that God loves you, is for you and has a plan for this world that is bigger and better than you can imagine right now...and He has invited you in.

And there's grace for each moment you find yourself in. Grace for the fear.

Grace for the rejection.

Grace for the hope and Grace for the Yes.
Because lets face it, we need the grace to receive even the things we are excited about.

Or maybe that's just me. If God says Yes to any of the things I think He's leading me towards I will need an ocean full of grace to handle them. And I believe that is by design. So we have to trust Him.

So whatever it is that you need to do: do it. Go ahead and risk the ocean....there's only grace.

Funny Guy

2011-11-07T07:52:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine posted about God's sense of humor in the way He chose to reveal Himself to her recently. I related because I have had a similar experience the past few weeks.
I have been so epic frustrated about being single at 28 and not doing any one of my “dream jobs” that its hard to hear from God…and when I do hear Him whisper “wait”, I find it both frustrating and annoying so I just start talking again.Last week I was given an assignment to talk to some college-age girls this coming weekend. My topic? Why Its “Worth It” To Wait. Ha! I get to spend time talking about revamping our "lists" and knowing what we should actually be looking for in a husband (and what doesn't actually matter). I get to share some of my heart about the times I'm glad God said no and the heartache when that answer never comes, but I still get to trust that Jesus knows what He is doing. So this week I have the privilege of reading through old journals and stopping and realizing that I’m waiting because Jesus is worth it. Its better for the Kingdom if I don’t marry the first cute boy that walks by if he doesn’t LOVE Jesus and have Kingdom priorities. Its hard. Some days it sucks…but its worth it.I could have been given a zillion other topics…but I think God wanted me to see myself in this. It hasn’t been helpful for other people to remind me…so He’s letting me preach the Gospel to myself. Funny guy, huh?

Your Name

2011-10-26T21:59:00.000-07:00

The directions in my Bible study today were turn to page 268...spend the remainder of your study time in worship. It may as well had said “turn to page 268 and be immediately overwhelmed by the Holy Spirt and the MAJESTY of the God of the Universe, who by the way, LOVES YOU!....because that’s what happened. The picture you see is only part of one page and its got really tiny writing.

I couldnt even read it. I had to close the book. Words just start swimming all over the place...on the page, when I closed my eyes, in my heart:

faithful

forgiving fortress glorious

stronghold Commander ever-present help

sanctuary glory Father Eternal Creator only Wise great reward

I AM WHO I AM

Are YOU overwhelmed yet?? If you’re anything like me, some days you have a week full of Mondays. I am prone to let all the things of life get in the way of JESUS and His very good name. One minute I’m excited about all that I see God is doing and the next I complain about the one thing He hasn’t given me yet. My priorities get all out of line and my heart feels a little like I’m drowning.

But then....

yes, then....

He chooses to reveal Himself. His name. So I can trust Him. And I want nothing more than to remain on my face all day because He is worthy of all my praise and all my trust and all my Hope. He is good. He is mine and I am His. Forever.

JESUS! In Your name I will hope, for Your name is good. (Psalm 52:9)

birthday thoughts

2011-10-21T08:39:00.000-07:00

Well....its been a good year. Crazier than I thought in a million different ways...but I'm okay with that I suppose. I thought about going into ALL the things that changed while I was 27...but decided most of the significant things were too close to my heart for all to hear.

Tomorrow I'll be the big 2-8 (can I even say that...that's not a thing, huh?). I'm honestly just excited because all my besties will be in town and I love that. Plus there will be cake....I REALLY love cake. I'm looking forward to a magical day of FREE STUFF and fun times. The joy of the Lord really is my strength.

Choosing to remember that the best if yet to come.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:12-14

All you'll ever be is....MEAN

2011-10-20T17:03:00.000-07:00

I'm not a T-Swift fan per say but this is epic cute. Gotta love 8 year old girls. They sure are fun and opinionated. :)

Some things must be said....

2011-10-20T12:57:00.000-07:00

I try really hard not to call people idiots. Especially not publicly...but then someone like Rush Limbaugh starts saying stuff....out loud and in public SO its just necessary to point out: this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Stephen Colbert is funny about calling out people's moronic issues so I'll let him poke fun for me:

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video

Then there is the awesome-ness that IS what President Obama did! And us finishing what we started: ending this war! This is whats REALLY going on:

President Obama Targets the LRA from INVISIBLE CHILDREN on Vimeo.

Thank you President Obama!

I love that even though this hasn't been a quick fix people are standing up for whats right. And coming together to do it! I'm so grateful I even called my State Representative to let them know. You can too! Just click HERE! So if you want to get a fraction of the action in ending the history's longest running war (a war that is USING CHILDREN) then get on board or get left behind (not in the weird and awful book series way....). Get informed. Get involved. Be the change.

best. friends. ever.

2011-10-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

I'm really looking forward to saturday. Its my birthday but surprisingly enough that's not why I'm so full of excitement. I'm excited because the God of the Universe saw fit to give me the best friends ever. I'm not saying you don't have good friends.....mine are just a million times more awesome. And I'm grateful.

I was reading the Gospel Coalition blog today and found this prayer:

Heavenly Father, I cannot imagine how storms can be navigated, burdens borne, and hardships handled without the company of a few good friends. I praise you today for the gift of friendship—for the joy, encouragement, and refreshment you give me through my comrades in the gospel and sojourners in hope—a very special band of brothers.

When we walk through difficult seasons we’re sometimes inclined to think, “No one can possibly understand what I’m going through; no one can begin to relate to my feelings and confusion; no one has a mess or is a mess like me.” Those are the times when it’s easy to withdraw into isolation, fall into the pit of condemnation, and reach for some ill-chosen medication. That’s when the gift of long-standing friends becomes especially precious.

Father, it’s a priceless gift to hear friends say these two words, “Me too.” It’s an invaluable treasure to have friends who provoke each other to love and good deeds, and away from cynicism and self-pity.

I praise you for brothers who know how to “refresh the hearts of the saints”—including this saint. I praise you for friends who remind me of the truth and power of the gospel, of the love of Jesus, and of the bigger story you are always writing.

I praise you for friends who share their lives and not just their gospel. I praise you for friends who offer tears and not just their answers. I praise you for friends who give life-giving wisdom and not just mess-fixing formulas.

Father, these cherished friendships turn my heart heavenward. They simply remind me that the foundation and fountain of all good friendship is found in you. I praise you for befriending us in the gospel. It is overwhelming, settling, and centering to hear Jesus say to us, “I no longer call you servants. . . . I call you friends” (John 15:15).

What wondrous love is this, indeed? “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13). Hallelujah, what a salvation! Hallelujah, what a Savior! So very I pray in Jesus’ glorious and gracious name.

I am increasingly grateful for the friendships Jesus has given me. This saturday all of my SoCal Besties will be in San Diego to celebrate with me. I get to hug them all and just hang out for a whole weekend. And its pretty much the best gift in life that a girl could ever ask for . So I'm excited.

Thank you Father for blessing me tremendously with amazing friends. This journey wouldn't ever happen without them. I'm especially grateful that you've given me friends who are committed to the Gospel and who will spur me on towards love and good deeds when I get weary. I can't wait to celebrate with them at the Wedding Feast of the Lamb. That is gonna be bomb dot com. Until then....I love you so much. Amen and Amen.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow

2011-10-11T10:38:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else feel like their life is a mess? No. Its just me? Yea...I doubt that.

Here's the thing: my birthday is coming up. I say that for multiple reasons. One: you should probably get me a present. But the second (and less annoying) reason is that I get pretty introspective about my life in the days leading up to the day I was born.

This year, I'm struggling with the desire and drive to chase my dream job while being faithful at my day job. At (almost) 28 its feels like its "too late" to chase even one of the five hundred dreams that run around my head everyday. Now, I know thats not TRUE...and maybe where I am now is not even the "setback" that it feels like...but if I'm honest then I can tell you that I am pretty clueless about how to move forward.

I am also much more aware of the laziness that so easily corrupts the gifts and talents the Father has given me. There's always a million other things to busy ourselves with meaningless tasks rather than actually pursuing the dreams on my heart; instead of living the life I was actually created to live.

Today is not a day of answers for me. Maybe its not for you either. I'm learning to trust God in the silence and pray that He would change me instead of just demanding that He change my situation. And I don't know the next step. So today I choose to be encouraged and wait and trust the Lord.

Lets make better mistakes tomorrow.

Our future doesn't depend on making all the right decisions, but on trusting the right LORD.

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'" Isaiah 30:21

"Do not worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow has enough worries of its own." ~Jesus

today is a keeper

2011-10-04T14:03:00.000-07:00

I spent my morning stickering. I literally spent two hours just putting little barcode stickers on dozens of t-shirts at the Invisible Children office. And you know what the Lord said to me? You can keep this....

Okay before you get completely weirded out and decide I've gone off the deep end let me explain. There is an Alli Rogers song that I love, where she talks about the things we can and cannot keep; those things in life that we do and they are from and for the Lord--the things we can keep-- but other times we spend our time busy or distracted and it will simply burn. Its for nothing. Its selfish. Its ugly. It may look nice or get a pat on the back or you may be 100% aware that its useless.....whatever it is, the truth remains that you cannot keep it. So this morning as I stickered t-shirts the Spirit reminded me that whatever I did, could be done for the glory of the Lord. Praise the Lord! Putting little stickers on shirts was something I could keep.

I don't know about you, but I am easily overwhelmed by certain things. Particularly by issues of social justice. I am a firm believer that where you live shouldn't determine whether you live; that every kid deserves a chance to be just that: a kid. My heart aches for impoverished families not just because they are hungry, but because I know that worse still, they feel humiliated. I believe it is MY emergency too that little girls are being trafficked and used for their tiny precious bodies and that they too will lose hope...in life, in love and in the God who created them. I become increasingly angry that children in Northern Uganda are being abducted; taken from their families and turned into killing machines living in fear for their lives.

But if I'm honest....most days I have no idea what to do with all those...feelings. They just stay feelings. I sign up for every newsletter and video and event I can, I give when I can and even when I can't but it never feels like enough. There's always a new NGO or non-profit or thing to help with and so I just want to quit.....because lets face it, I have a mountain of school debt to chip away with, so I can't move to Africa. I am oh-so-very single, so I can't adopt every child I lay eyes on that needs a mother. I probably don't have any skills to offer IJM so thats a no go. And (for today) the Lord hasn't sent me to do any of those things. But everything in my body and soul wants to fight for those who need to be fought for. I want to help them, love them, tell them there is hope and his name is Jesus.

I think the Lord wants me to keep my eyes and my heart open. He wants me to see, love and PRAY. And today, I was able to contribute to helping end a war in Africa, by putting stickers on shirts. Because every little bit helps. I want to get my hands a little dirtier, so I'll wait and see what that looks like. Until then, I will maintain hope. That even if I can't change the whole world, I can change one persons world through the love of Jesus.

I hope when you find yourself overwhelmed by the hurt in the world you will be able to stop and pray Jesus, how can I change just one persons life? Just one persons day? Who's life can I invade with Heaven today, for your glory? That's what I'm learning to do.

I choose to be an optimist. I choose Joy. Today I choose to believe that we can stop the war, feed the world, love the broken. Because if we don't believe, we all lose.

I'll leave you with a video and a prayer that today we will choose to imagine the world as it was intended to be and seek to restore it for the glory of the Lord.

Twitter & Podcasts & Blogs! OH MY!

2011-10-03T07:51:00.000-07:00

So I'm thinking about a lot of different things. Mostly related to blogs, podcasts, engaging in online conversation....all those social media-esque issues*. As I fan of networking, I've kind of turned into a social media junkie (maybe someday I will be a guru....but I'm getting ahead of myself). I think my blog needs a makeover and I want to add some elements to it, but for now we will start off with a poll. Leave a comment and pass it on to others for their feedback as well! Let the conversation commence!**

Poll: do you listen to any podcast(s) regularly? If yes, which ones & why? If not, feel free to share why not. Also, if you WERE going to listen to one (or a new one), what subject matter would you be interested in? Ready? GO!

*Do you follow @FirstWorldPains on Twitter? You should!
**Yes, I recognize the lame-ness of this sentence. No, I will not be using it again.

Gifts

2011-09-30T10:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was one of those God-send days. The kind where you couldn't have possibly known that you needed it, so you never would have planned it..so instead God just GAVE it to you.

I woke up with a plan. Go to work. Come home. Maybe go play games with Shanda and some people I don't know. Sounds like a pretty decent Thursday, right? As I was on my way out the door to read a bit before work, my boss texted me to say all of his appointments got cancelled...leaving him home all day and ME with a free day. A free day that happened to be on the day that one of my best friends in the world was only an hour and a half away instead of the usual fours hours when she's in her city. I haven't gotten to hug this awesome lady in about almost 2 years due to a variety of circumstances, but by the divine Providence of God I was able to jump in my car and see her yesterday. I held her sweet infant boy and read to her darling toddler. We ate Indian food and drank Boba and spent all day just hanging out with our other incredible friend, Ashley and Morgans sister in law, Kirsten. It was a day of pure bliss, filled with deep love, amazing memories and so much JOY. Thank you Jesus!!

I'll be honest this transition to back to California has been more difficult than I imagined, but there are days like this that make it so much sweeter. When you've spent the last five years unsure of when the next time you would see the people that mean the most of you, it makes every moment special. I love that because I am here in California I can hop in the car and drive a few hours to see my besties. Its what I need most in this season of uncertainty.

I have no idea how long this season will last. For now I am enjoying the fact that I get to see my mom at least a few times a week; that my besties are more than just a phone call away; that the ocean is a 10-minute drive (windows down) from my house. But more than anything I am enthralled by the King of kings who loves me enough to give me what I need in this season. My life is a gift. And nothing about it is "perfect" but the Lord of all Creation has seen to it that I am provided for. Hallelujah! What a Savior! Hallelujah! What a salvation!!

So I hope and pray that today you find yourself grateful for the gifts but enthralled by the Giver. May it be in the precious smile of a dancing 2 year old, the roar of the ocean, the hug of a best friend or a sip of the best coffee ever....enjoy it. You are known and loved.

i miss you

2011-09-19T13:56:00.000-07:00

The length of people and places I miss today is lengthy.
I want...

...to sit with Sarah Jane in our living room--bibles open, pandora playing
...to share my heart with Nancy on her back porch over a cup of coffee
...to go to Gray Owl by myself and then again later with Abi... and stay for several hours
...to sit on my favorite bench behind the Law building with just Jesus & my journal

I would absolutely be delighted if I could:

...sit in a spastic LG planning meeting with Byran, Matt & Leah.
...get Sonic drinks with Kara & Ann
...play frisbee golf with Scott
...go to Back to the Grind with Jess
...play in SLO with Morgan Jane
...watch "The Office" with Em
...go on a road trip with Christine
...drive up the coast with Katie
...visit Walmart to see Mary & Logan
...eat cupcakes with Cassie
...hang out in my office with Amy & Michelle
...catch a concert with Jenny
...linger at the beach with Shanda.

Wait.

That last one I can do.

Jesus, I'm homesick because this world is not my home. But I'm grateful for the friends you have given me; those I will spend eternity with since... I can't be with them all today. I love you.

The "No" That Saved My Life

2011-09-11T10:43:00.000-07:00

I got a letter in the mail in February 2001, offering me a spot at the American Musical & Dramatic Academy. New. York. City. The dream. It was pending an audition in LA, but lets be honest...I was good. I would rock it. Granted, I'll never know...my Mom said "No." I remember yelling (which is not something I do often) "I can't believe you won't let me go! This is my dream, being handed to me on a silver platter!! You're ruining my life!" (I told you I was good....good and dramatic.) I polled every youth group leader, tried to get them to talk sense into my parents, but nothing helped. At the end of the day I was still not going to be 18, so I would have to wait. My mothers unexplained "I'm not sending my 17 year old daughter to New York by herself" would stand firm.

It's easy to see that the Lord has purpose for your life when its a near miss of a semi on the highway, or when the crash that turned your car into an accordion, leaves you with only minor injuries....but at 17 you can't possibly know that three weeks into your freshman year of college, two planes will crash into major buildings 5 miles from the very place you are so desperately trying to be. You can't comprehend that your mom's seemingly irrational "No" is part of the Lords plan to protect you and keep you; part of His plan for the work He has for you.

So today, I remember. I choose to remember that God is still in control, not just of my life, but of the entire Universe. And in the face of evil and destruction and devastation, our God is Stronger. That Tuesday, I woke up an annoyed teenager, assuming that I knew what was best for my life. But events like this really do change everything. You find yourself humbled, confused and uncertain. The next day your food tastes better and your heart aches but you say "I love you" more often. You embrace community and pray for your nation and the nations abroad. And later, you say "Thank you" because you realize that your life was spared, while others were not.

Sweet Jesus, Thank you for the "No" that saved my life.

Once More

2011-09-07T09:21:00.000-07:00

You'd think that coming home would make it impossible to be homesick. It doesn't.

My friend, Shanda and I lead fairly similar lives. Its pretty amusing most of the time and extremely comforting always. Right now, she's saying "See you later" to people she loves dearly in Texas and I know its hard for her. Not just because she's mentioned that its hard, but because today I am sitting in my incredible house, a few miles from family and even closer to the ocean, nearer than ever to my best friends yet tear-stained because I miss my Norman family.

When I gave my life to Jesus I said "Yes" to whatever it was he had for me. I had no idea what He would ask me to do but I knew it would be worth it. As I make decisions about what to do and what to give my life to here in San Diego I realize that nothing is permanent and that the deeper I invest the harder it will be when its time to go. But I want to give myself fully to the work of the Lord in this season too. Besides, I have no idea when that will come. I only have today.

This life of saying "Yes", of constant change & uncertainty and never knowing what will come next can be hard, but its so full of Life. I never really know whats going to come next and its unexpected, but I know that the Father has good things planned and they are about His Kingdom. I am continually being reminded to seek first the Kingdom of God. I get to go about my whole day asking "What's best for the Kingdom?" (I don't always have the answer, but its a great way to prioritize life!)

More and more, I'm seeing that this kind of life requires DAILY giving my life to Jesus to do whatever He wants to do with it. A chance to die to myself, to give my life away, to be all things to all people....To live like a missionary here and now, to trust the Lord to take care of my every need because its His character to take care of His kids. I confess, there are moments I'm exhausted....already. But there is grace for each moment, Joy for each day and new mercies every morning.

I miss my friends in Norman, but the Lord has plans for San Diego too.

God, I'm crying out tonight/'Cause I've given you my life/But I'm tired and I'm missing whats behind/So once more, here's my life. (BarlowGirl)

Flawed

2011-08-26T15:23:00.000-07:00

On my right hand I have a scar. Its about an inch and a half long and carries with it one of the best memories with one of my dearest friends. What started as a fight of the tickling sort ended in Jessa's bracelet ripping into my right hand, followed by a steady flow of blood. (I may or may not have wanted to pass out....I'm also a little woozy thinking about it now.) As the days passed on and I realized that there was going to be a scar, I got pouty. Why? Well I don't remember what my surface reason was, but it came down to not wanting people to be able to see my scar. I didn't want people to see this ugly flaw that I had on my hand, which I apparently held in high regard. Enter, my good friend Nathan, (Jessa's husband now...although I don't think they were even dating when this story occurred). Being the philosopher and lover of Jesus that he is, he said something that I have remembered and since shared with anyone who asks about my hand. He simply said, "Anissa, it shows your humanity." He might have said more than that....but he probably went back to writing a song, or reading a book or eating a burrito (Oh, college) but that has stuck with me for years.

I have major issues with wanting people to see my brokenness, my flaws, but its in my flaws that people can relate to me. And then I get a chance to give them hope.

Last year, I had three days a week of torture aka third grade recess duty. The thing that got to me the most was that at 8 years old these kids had already decided what was uncool, who was stupid and what was too fat. EIGHT YEARS OLD. At eight, a kid should be playing tetherball and still love everyone no matter what. Its really scary.

But it happened for me too....maybe not at eight, maybe it was closer to eighteen for me, but I started deciding what was pretty, what was ugly, whats "too fat" and what's stupid. For myself and for other people....but did you know that we were meant to be told those things by our Creator? Only He is qualified to make those calls. And he has. The God of the Universe created you and you know what He said? It is very good.

So I hope you believe that today. I watched this video today and I thought about how amazing it would be if we just always thought that our flaws showed our humanity and we saw them as something to share and not hide. I'm all for working out our issues, encouraging people to grow and change, but I also think I'm seeing the value of remembering that I am dust, and He makes beautiful things out of dust. Enjoy this video. Pass it along to someone who needs to be reminded that they are human and they are LOVED. You are fearfully & wonderfully made...

17 Again

2011-08-26T09:14:00.000-07:00

I have fabulous new roommates. Its really funny...last night I had the thought "Who needs friends when you've got great roommates?!?" After all, we did stay up way too late watching a Zac Efron movie and letting Bea's crazy bf, Quincy entertain us with jokes. (According to him, some of us are only "girl funny", whatever that means!) The truth is that I actually have GREAT friends as well, but I was really encouraged by the fact that I could go home from work and not have leave my house to find good community and encouragement. I'm in a weird stage of this transition, where I'm waiting to see what my relationships are going to actually look like. It reminds me of that first month or two back at the beginning of college life.

I ran around hanging out with all sorts of people, never committing to one group, but claiming best friendship for life with every single person I ran into. Dreaming up how we were going live on the same street and marry the gorgeous men we met 8 seconds ago (You eat pizza? I eat pizza! Lets get married!). But eventually the proverbial dust settled and we all got into routines, crazy fun roommates became holiness tutors, that cute guy started dating the girl down the hall (I never really liked him anyway....), people start going home on the weekends, etc, etc....but then it happens: finally, you find your real friends. The people you start to do life with, the ones that know your heart (& love you anyway). There begins to be this wonderful thing that happens where you develop "2am friends"; the people you call in a crisis or when you just want to run to the store. Friends. I'm a fan of friends.

So right now, I'm in the run around, hang out with lots of people, see how this all works out phase. I'm trying to bless & serve whomever I get to spend time with, knowing that in a month or two I may spend most of my time with completely different people. Thats weird to think about. Hmmm....

For now I'll just take it one day at a time, waiting to see what the Father has planned & really enjoying my fantastic roommates.

toilet humor

2011-08-24T15:48:00.001-07:00

For some reason I find it awkward when I’m waiting, say, at a Starbucks, for the bathroom to be free. I’ve already jiggled the handle so now I know, since its locked, that someone’s inside. I don’t know how long they’ve already been in there, but now there’s an internal clock counting down how much longer I think it should take. Its not that I’m even that impatient, and I probably don’t have to go that badly, but there’s something about the amount of time a person is “allowed” to spend in a one stall bathroom. Otherwise everyone is kind of weirded out about whatever you were doing in there & why its taking you so long. Granted, so far it’s not awkward. From here I can still safely go back to my seat and hang out until the person exits and I’ve let an appropriate amount of time go by so they never know it was me that jiggled the handle. (I don’t know why, but that embarrasses me...) However, on this particular day, I really wanted to go (quickly) before I ordered my coffee AND before I started doing the potty dance for all to see (there’s no flirting with any cute baristas after that display). So I wait...and wait...and wait...what on EARTH is taking so long? You should definitely be washing your hands by now, lady! You better wash your hands! Ugh...some people...thats so gross...and why aren’t you out ye... Just then the door swings open, interrupting my (slightly judgmental) thoughts and then it happens: the awkward eye contact.

I. Can’t. Stand. It. I have to lock eyes for a split second with the stranger that just used the very same toilet I’m about to use. And its REALLY that awkward for me...because I know how long they were in there.

Yes, I experienced this today as I ventured to a new Sbux for my java today. Not cool. Not cool at all.

Does anyone else find this moment awkward? What perfectly normal moments do you find yourself analyzing until they’re weird?

last night

2011-08-18T07:10:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Shanda (she's in the frame with me) has been such a blessing the past few weeks. Last night she took me to a birthday party for a girl that is the friend of one of her friends.....neither of whom I had met before. But then again that seems to be the theme of my life these past few months: lots of getting invited to random things because "you need to meet new people" and therefore hanging out with strangers.

Last night was fun....it was not just a birthday party, it was also a house show for Matt Vaughan. I recommend him highly....buy the EP & support some good music from Georgia...apparently they grow them....nicely.... down South. :) (seriously, its only $3.96 on itunes....and its really good...check it out.)

I don't know why I'm telling you all this except that it was just good...and I had so much fun and I felt the kindness of Jesus in sitting in a strangers backyard, listening to dang good music & eating Costco cake with my dear friend Shanda....and a bunch of people I don't know. I love being in my element.

Grateful & full of hope,

Anissa

pity party cancelled

2011-08-16T13:11:00.000-07:00

I love what the Word of God can do to change your perspective. This morning I was teetering on the edge of a pity party about being single and living in California and missing people and blah blah blah....but thankfully I called for back-up from a friend, who quickly prayed and then had some encouragement for me in the form of a song. I also ran across this video about how the Father hasn't forgotten me, full of verses about Gods GOODNESS (I sense a theme in my life). No sooner had I closed that window, but a Relevant Magazine article popped up on my news feed, reminding me that this season is an opportunity to receive the approval of Jesus without mixing it with the approval of man. Not long after that, my dear friend posted how the Lord encouraged her in from Deuteronomy 10; which I had read over the weekend....For the Lord your God is the God of gods and the Lord of lords, the great the mighty, and the awesome God....

I feel like Jesus pulled out all the stops to make sure my pity party was cancelled and my perspective back where it needed to be: on just how AMAZING he really is.

So grateful for a God who fights for me.

If God is for me who can be against me? (Romans 8:31)

Too Good to be Kind?

2011-08-15T09:33:00.000-07:00

We are not doubting that God will do the best for us, we're wondering how painful the best will turn out to be. ~ C.S. Lewis.

In the words of one of my favorite preachers, Voddie Bauchum: "If you can't say 'Amen!', you'd better say 'Ouch!'"

OUCH.

I believe God is "good" but I don't think he's very nice....I constantly doubt the kindness of the Father. I've wrestled with this for a while, but I think in this move to San Diego, it has become increasingly apparent that while, of course, I know God will take care of me and provide for me, I have extreme doubts that His best could also be simultaneously fun or make me happy. I trust the Lord to be faithful, to rescue me, to lead & guide me, but I have a hard time believing that it that it will be anywhere but the wilderness that I am led too...after all, don't we learn our best lessons through trials and pains? No Promised Land for me...at least not in this this life.

But I don't want to think that way. I'm starting to see that, at best, it paints a lop-sided & awkward picture of God. I don't really know what it looks like, but I want my life to paint a better picture of Gods kindness. Because he is Kind beyond all measure. Life is hard sometimes and painful things happen, but I don't want to live my life surprised by the kindness of God.

What I mean is, that whenever something hard happens my thoughts tend toward "Well of course, this happened. I need to learn _________!" But whenever something FUN happens in my life I just get cautious and start looking around to see what next difficult thing is coming around the corner, because "Surely this good thing can't last..." I know it comes from a place of not wanting to be disappointed (again) or hurt or maybe its just plain pride, but its also wrong.

The Father is so kind. I want my first thought when something exciting happens to be, "Well, of course that happened...God is so kind to his kids! He gives good gifts!" I don't know what it will take in my heart to get there. I'll have to wait and see, I guess. I just want it to be my default thinking that the Lord is near and kind and more than just loving me, he likes me just the way I am. Because I know that when that's my first thought, I will love people better out of sense of deeper sense of JOY and HOPE and PEACE. My security will be in the God of the Universe who likes me and from that place I can live and move and have all my being.

Yes, God is good. Yes, there are painful things that happen. And YES, Jesus is Kind and full of the stuff that makes bad days better, puts a smile on your face and can make you happy.

How have you seen the Kindness of God lately?

Trashy TV

2011-08-11T07:40:00.000-07:00

Confession: sometimes I watch trashy TV.

Its true. Sometimes I just want to watch The Hills or The City or (gasp) Greys Anatomy. And I never wanna tell people about it. I mean, its completely socially acceptable for me to watch The Office or Community...even 30 Rock (soooo funny), but if I wanna waste my life watching The OC then its a big secret. Not sure why....

The thing I have really been thinking about lately is why I feel judged or when I became the judge & jury on whats acceptable and why if I watch it then its okay for other people. I guess what I'm really contemplating is what about all this draws me there instead of to do the things I NEED to be doing. Why did I just add 10 discs of NBC television to my netflix queue and why on earth do I think I have that much time? And on what planet, if I do have that much time, do I think its a good idea to REALLY spend that much time looking at a screen....have mercy!

I am praying that the Father would give me his heart for people again (have you noticed if you stop asking for it, it will just kind of fade away....). I am desperate to believe the Gospel of Jesus Christ is for everyone again. And its funny because its uncomfortable. I get all antsy when I realize that I know more about "Whitney Eve" than I do my neighbors. Or when I get impatient at the line at the grocery store rather than seeing the face of my cashier and asking them about their day (worse yet, when I just go to self-checkout bc I don't wanna deal with people).

Here's the thing: I don't think self-checkout or NBC or a lot of other things are "bad". What they are for me is gage of where my own heart is....what I'm running to or where I'm running from. When I think more about the success Lauren Conrad's fashion line than the success of my church's outreach efforts - I know I'm in trouble. When Jim & Pam's relationship becomes the my standard for how I think my life should line up or I forget that community colleges are filled with students that need to know they are loved (not just people to be amused by) I know its time for me to take a time-out and readjust my vision. Reality is that I don't need to watch another re-run of Friends, I need to call my friends and ask how their day was.

sigh...

I imagine about 10 people* will read this and be annoyed (ask your self why) or think I hate TV or I hate them...but the truth is this is just where I am today. I am being reminded that I am blessed to walk with the Most High God and so I get to have a bigger vision than the world calls me to. I get to see the people I'm around as created by the Lord God and loved because they are worthy to Him and I get to point them to Jesus. But in order to do that I have to think of them & desire that they know Jesus and thats not possible for me when I let the TV make so much noise that can't hear the Spirit.

What helps you know that your heart needs a re-alignment?

* I apparently have grand delusions that over 10 people read this blog....probably not the case.

today

2011-08-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

I live in San Diego. Never really thought I would say that again....

I find myself learning more deeply, that Jesus is indeed a good King. He loves me and has GOOD planned for me. Its funny how we get to learn that in the midst of life not looking the way we planned. I love my new house, my new roommates, my new job and my new friends. I'm excited about reconnecting with my old friends, my family and the ocean. At the same time, I miss my Norman friends terribly (I also miss not having to drive on the freeway, but thats a different story). Today I am deeply grateful that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, Today and Forever.

It really all just feels surreal and uncertain. But the Lord has given me so much grace to handle everything as it comes. Grace for the moment...

Not for the light of even one step ahead, but for You, dear Lord, I wait...

whirlwinds and whispers

2011-07-24T08:48:00.000-07:00

Trust me.

The choice to move back to California came with those words... I thought seriously about staying in Norman, but either way I knew it would be about trust. So as I packed my car and drove across the country I knew I would have to continually lay down my rights and my plans and all my idols if I was really going to trust Jesus. I would have to trust Him with my heart & that boy; with living far away from dear friends who became family; with being near to my family who can be frustrating, as well as with people who I love, but won't let me be the person I've become instead of who I was; with details and the lack of answers; with changing my plans... And thats all easy to say and much harder to live out especially in your heart. When God loves you and everyone else has a wonderful plan for your life its hard to know what to do (particularly if you're a recovering people pleaser like I am).

As I have been making plans to move to the Riverside area, and they have all fallen through leaving me in frustration the Spirit has graciously revealed the pride and the idols in my life; fears I have been holding on to and dreams I took back without waiting to see what He wanted to do with them; good ideas that make bad gods. But I am being constantly reminded there is freedom in giving your life to Jesus.

Sitting on the ocean shore the other day, I stopped and listened and let the Lord whisper to me....and show me his goodness. All your frustration is wrapped up in fears and what ifs. You will not be miserable, even if its hard. I told you this was about trusting Me. Seek whats best for the Kingdom...

And you know what happened after that? This crazy thing called "shalom"; it was just this reality that while nothing had really changed yet, nothing was broken & nothing was missing from the Lords plan and if I trust Him in it I will not be disappointed. And then the excitement came....I love when I get excited about a plan about His plans. Its REALLY fun. And I stop worrying what people are thinking, because I'm just doing what Jesus said to do and its so freeing! (Which makes me a thousand times more fun to be around.)

So its the beginning of a new week....it has the potential to be a crazy one! but exciting nevertheless! Saying yes to Jesus and seeing where it takes me....Bring on the Adventure!

desire

2011-07-19T08:09:00.001-07:00

I want to wake up and not miss you.

Its His call now

2011-07-14T13:53:00.001-07:00

When you make a big decision it can sometimes be difficult to explain. There are all the reasons that are "good" and the ones that alone would be deemed "bad". There are the obvious reasons and then the secret ones that lay in your heart. I have found reasons that continue to surface that I could have never dreamed up on the front end, but make perfect sense in hindsight. In short, making big decisions is difficult and unnerving and downright confusing sometimes. There are the reasons you say out loud and the ones you barely let yourself think about, much less confess. Today, I was given a gift....the gift that I am not alone in these feelings of oscillation. My friend Dietrich Bonhoeffer had this same feeling as he was choosing to make the return trip to his homeland in a time they needed him dearly. Read his words and find encouragement that if you're not 100% sure or all your reasons are perfect, the Lord will indeed handle it for you.

“It is remarkable how I am never quite clear about the motives for any of my decisions. Is that a sign of confusion, of inner dishonesty, or is it a sign that we are guided without our knowing, or is it both?... [God] certainly sees how much personal feeling, how much anxiety there is in today’s decisions, however brave it may seem. The reasons one gives for an action to others and to ones’s self are certainly inadequate. One can give a reason for everything. In the last resort one acts from a level which remains hidden from us. So one can only ask God to judge us and to forgive us...At the end of the day I can only ask God to give a merciful judgement on today and all its decisions. It is now in His hand.” ~Dietrich Bonhoeffer

abolitionist and proud

2011-07-01T23:13:00.000-07:00

I am an abolitionist. I want to see human abortion abolished. As a lover of people and a believer that we love God through loving people, I want to see others grow into full maturity as a child of God.

Yes, I am opposed to the legality of abortion. But whether its legal or not, I want to see people NOT HAVING abortions. That requires creativity and grace and activity for the REST of us....what can you DO to abolish human abortion? Get started by watching this video and checking out this blog.

Worlds Largest Cross (in Texas)

2011-06-29T19:06:00.000-07:00

I've said a lot of goodbyes lately and life has been pretty chaotic and sad and exciting too....but we can talk about that later. For now lets talk about what Christine and I have experienced on the first day of our road trip.

Apparently the worlds largest cross is in Groom, Texas. We had to stop. It

was a little much...with several stations going from the Lord supper, Jesus on trial with Pilate, all the way to the crucifixion and even the empty tomb! It was pretty interesting....

We are not sure why this solider is apparently also an indian chief? Let us know if you have any answers.
This was clearly very entertaining for Christine...haha. She's probably playing "Angry Birds"...
Hugging the foot of the cross....enter awesome cross quote here.
And then there was planking to be done...I mean we figured the tomb was empty anyway....

So there you have it. Day one and thats just the first thing we did. Check out facebook, instagram or twitter for more pics. Day two will hold many new adventures!

If I lose my life, I gain everything

2011-06-25T21:56:00.000-07:00

Warning: if you invest your life in people, if you choose to give your life away to people, if you choose to love extravagantly.... leaving will suck. It will feel a little like someone is ripping your heart out....Whoever coined the term "heart wrenching" was probably moving.

My life is in boxes. My heart is in shambles. And I am overwhelmed by the way people are showing love to me.

And the one thing that I keep thinking is: its worth it. Only now can I look back and see that I did what I came to do. And of course I have this awkward sense of urgency--to say what I've never said, to do what I never did, to connect people who need the love of Jesus to those who live in the lavish of it.... I'm praying that people will choose Jesus, knowing that I have to entrust them to the Father and just hope I did a good enough job pointing them to Jesus in the brief time I've had. Thinking of people I should have shared with more or spent more time with, seeing everything with fresh eyes...trusting the fruit to the Spirit.

I just did what Jesus said to do. And now I'm going back. Oh, California....I know the Father has a good plan. There are people who need to see the Kingdom & I will be entrusted to show it to them. And I'm excited about that. The plan: give my life away. So the next time I move it will be the hardest thing I've ever done....again.

"We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us." 1 Thessalonians 2:8

This wasn't the plan...

2011-06-23T05:51:00.000-07:00

About this time 5 years ago, God whispered a really crazy idea in my heart. It was summer, I was in my second round of grad school classes and had just met the most amazing couple on the planet. I had been around Dick & Nancy Jaques for about a month and they invited me into their lives so freely and I was able to watch college ministry in action and I knew that whatever I was doing, I wanted to be doing that. I had no idea. The next thing I know I'm calling my mother and asking my bestie to pray because "I think God wants me to go to Oklahoma...". I am a firm believer in "you just do what God tells you to do" so I packed my car and drove two days across I-40 to a place I had never been, with no job and no address...and the Lord provided. Oh, how he provided!

But that was "the plan": come for a year and then "we'll see". Honestly, I was pretty convinced I was heading back to CA the following summer, but the Lord interrupted my thoughts w/offers of being on staff, and then he did it again...and again. Last year, I sensed that it was time to move out of being on staff, but not leave Norman so I stayed another year...and honestly just assumed I was going to stay here.....but here I am, with a nearly empty condo, boxes lining the wall and goodbyes filling the air.

Five years isn't a long time for some people, but its plenty of time to meet and LOVE so many people. To realize that a place is actually "home" because "home is where Jesus has you". He said it this way, "Foxes have holes and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head" (Luke 9.58). I can't always figure out why my life is so filled with "goodbyes" and even "see you laters" are so hard, but in the words of my darling friend, Shanda, "I guess all of my 'goodbyes' wouldn't be so lame feeling if my life wasn't also full of love..."

In the past five years, I've had the honor of being part of the BEST training I could have ever gotten for college ministry. I've met so many incredible people, and they are deeply ingrained in my life. I have been so well loved here. Understatement of my life. I couldn't have asked or imagined a more amazing way to spend the last five years of my life. Everyone (well everyone around here...) says your 20s are for training....so came to Norman to get training. And apparently now I'm being sent out....and I have no idea what it looks like.

I do know that it will no doubt be bigger and better than I have dreamed up in my little head right now. So, no, I don't have a plan...but I trust the Lord does. And whenever the next set of goodbyes come, I'm sure it wont be part of my plan, but I also know that if its hard its because by the grace of God, I loved well and am extremely well-loved.

And Love is always part of the plan.

Consider This

2011-06-19T15:01:00.000-07:00

consider: to think carefully about something; think about and be drawn toward a type of action; regard as having a specific quality
I like to think of myself as a person who really considers the outcome when making decisions. Someone who makes my life choices based on Truth and good perspective. I don't know that its true all the time, but hopefully its true more often than not.
Today the Lord is using this little word "consider" to remind me that even if life isn't going exactly the way I would have planned it, He is in fact in control AND working it out for good. I'm reading through Romans right now and this is the verse I came across on this fine Sunday afternoon: I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us (Romans 8:18).
If you're anything like me (and I suspect you are) you get really freaked out (really fast) and when life is hard, start asking the question "is this worth it?". And here, Paul says...not only is it worth it, its really not even worth comparing. I figure its like this: yes, things are rough right now, we're hurting, crying, desperate, begging God to move, upset, maybe even angry. We choose to do whats right. We battle (and kill) sin in our lives. We make risky moves that don't make sense to people and sometimes it doesn't work out (the way we planned). We tell someone about Jesus and they laugh at us. We invest in people who reject us. Or a million hurtful things like these. Then, like Paul, we stop and consider When, at the end of this, I look more like Jesus and get to be with Him for eternity there won't be anything worth comparing; of course it was worth it.
I don't know about you, but that gives me so much hope. I need heavenly perspective every minute of every hour. When life gets cloudy, I need someone to say to me "just stop and consider that whats going on right now WONT EVEN COMPARE to what Jesus is doing in and through you". Have you thought of that today? That maybe everything is going exactly the way its supposed to be going. And that whatever it is that you're going through (in all its ugliness and frustration and hurt) will be absolutely unmemorable, when its up against the FUTURE GLORY that the Lord is revealing in us.
choosing hope,

Soon and very soon!

2011-06-15T15:39:00.000-07:00

I love the way the Lord chooses to encourage me. A few minutes ago I found myself with the song “Soon and Very Soon” stuck in my head. I recognize that some of you weren't good little baptist kids, so if you’re unfamiliar with it go ahead and click to check it out. Well, I was dancing around my condo singing this little ditty becoming increasingly encouraged and I sat down and said Jesus, what’s the rest of the song again and I instantly remembered the verse that goes “No more cryin there/we are going to see the King”. I cry a lot...I mean A LOT. I cry when I’m happy, when I’m sad, when I’m disappointed, when I’m being encouraged, in fact, about the only time I don’t cry is when I’m seething with anger... which doesn’t actually happen that often.

It can be slightly overwhelming to be that emotional....its easy to become emotionally exhausted, especially if that all happens in one day, but tonight I am grateful to remember that my Father....the KING has a plan....and it involves wiping away every tear from our eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or pain or crying (Revelation 21.4). Hallelujah!

I don’t know what kind of day (or week or month or year) you’re having; whether you’re mourning the loss of a loved one, a relationship or a dream....I just hope you find the same encouragement I did in this: SOON and VERY SOON....we ARE going to see the King. Hallelujah! HALLELUJAH!

Serve Him til You see Him. We are His.

How does the Father encourage you?

coming soon

2011-06-15T07:44:00.000-07:00

So...I had this idea in my head that 2011 was going to be a good year...so far its mostly been awkward and confusing, with some good moments here and there. Here's hoping that the second half will be better.

I feel like I'm standing at the edge of the Red Sea....waiting. Not really sure how this is going to work out. We walk by faith, not by sight.

The best is yet to come.

Come on, Lord.

whatcha readin?

2011-06-11T06:30:00.000-07:00

I read a lot. Thats not really a surprise to anyone that has known me for even a few months. The problem comes when I have a giant list of books I want to read, but I'm in the middle of so many that I can't actually add to them. This is usually when I have to reinstate my "No new books" rule until I finish at least 2 of the 5-7 books I'm usually reading at one time.

Yesterday I had to answer the question "What 5 books have most impacted your life?" Not fair. My answers? 1. The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer 2. Future Grace by John Piper 3. Strong Women, Soft Hearts by Paula Rinehart 4. The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning 5. Instruments in the Redeemers Hands by Paul David Tripp

I wanted to add three more....but the question asked for five. What were the other three? 6. Safer than a Known Way by Pamela Moore 7. Chasing Daylight by Erwin McManus & 8. The Ministry of Intercession by Andrew Murray.

So this morning I was thinking about the books I currently really want to read, but will have to wait (probably until the fall) and the first few that came to mind are: Let Justice Roll Down by John Perkins, Radical by David Platt, Love Wins by Rob Bell and Erasing Hell by Francis Chan.

I'm excited just thinking about it!

What are you excited to read?

love and raisin cakes

2011-05-30T08:08:00.002-07:00

"The Lord said to me, ' Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another & is an adulteress. Love her as the LORD loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes." Hosea 3:1

I would love to think that I would love Jesus more than I love....raisin cakes. I mean, come on...who loves raisins more than Jesus...(cake, I can understand. Just kidding). But in all seriousness, its seems like such a weird thing to turn away from the Lord for. Yet, I understand completely....I give up intimacy with Jesus for approval, "freedom", fun, acceptance....cake.

The crazy, scandalous thing is that the LORD loves me and desires and pursues intimacy with me anyway. I wonder what Hosea's thought process was when God told him to go show love to his wife...the one who had totally betrayed him. I know what my immediate response is when someone hurts me: "Yeah, right. I'm done with them. Someone else can deal with that...not me." With everyone patting you on the back and saying they don't blame you it can be easy to miss the way the Father loves us...the way he chases after us when we hurt him. So just in case Hosea isn't sure what God means by "go show love to your wife" He adds, "like I have shown love to the Israelites". I bet Hosea knew exactly what that meant...

"Oh, you mean how you relentlessly pursue this stubborn people who chase after meaningless things that will leave them empty and craving again in the morning? You mean, the very same way you gave up everything to show them that they are worth it and beautiful and YOURS and complete? You want to me to fight and destroy all that distracts, the same way You fight and annihilate all those who would come between You and your bride, clothing us in splendor and jewels, calling us Beloved and rejoicing over us with singing....? Is that what you mean? Yes? Oh, okay..."

What a gracious God we serve! He loves us so much...He fights for us and gave His Son for us. And He gave us deep community to love us through crisis and draw us back when we wander. So thankful today. What grace and joy!

Father, thank you for the joy that comes with knowing the mercy and grace you give. Thank you for pursuing me relentlessly when I make other things more important than you. Reveal all the raisin cakes in my life....the things that will leave me starving again in the morning. Satisfy me with your never -failing, never-ending love. You alone are my hope. I am anchored in you. Today and forever. Come in power, Lord. Holy Spirit, fall fresh on us today. To the Glory to the Father in Jesus name, Amen and amen.

2011-05-29T06:49:00.001-07:00

Matt Hill is found! So grateful to Jesus! Keep praying for him, his family & their staff! Grace and peace and rest in Jesus! http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justintaylor/2011/05/29/a-christian-brother-is-missing/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+between2worlds+(Between+Two+Worlds)&utm_content=FaceBook

Urgent Prayer Needed

2011-05-28T13:17:00.000-07:00

If you're in campus ministry you know that your staff is your family. They are the brothers and sisters you love, do life with, fight with, apologize to, pray with and just try to glorify Jesus with as you make disciples together. Its difficult and beautiful and messy and worth it. Always.

My good friend, Amy, is doing campus work in DC at George Washington University. Part of her family is missing, and we need YOU to pray like this is your emergency, too. Matt Hill, a 26-yr old campus minister & Amy's co-laborer, has been missing since Tuesday.

The full story can be found by clicking here and updates will be on the facebook page.

I know its busy, or life is distracting but when we have an emergency we stop every thing to intercede....so please take a minute and pray for Matt Hill and his family. A few things that Amy asked me to pray for today: Endurance for them all; that government workers would be willing to help even during a holiday weekend; Matts safe return and that Jesus would be exalted.

Stay updated and pray. Thanks.

tomorrow

2011-05-26T15:00:00.000-07:00

My life feels a little like its in overdrive (a feature I never use on my car...). Tomorrow my world loses all the consistency & stability that I had for...well a whopping 9 months. Being in college and then in college ministry/coffee industry doesn't leave a whole lot of room for "a typical day" of any sort, but since August I have enjoyed normal week days and a consistent pay check. Interesting. So what did I go and do? Quit my job and decide to move back to Cali...apparently normal isn't good enough.

So tomorrow, I will hug all my precious kiddos goodbye as they venture off into the big kid world of kindergarten. And at 3:10, I will be off to enjoy the next few months of waiting on the Lord and seeing what He has for me. I am praying that it involves college students and paying off my school debt, simultaneously well aware that it may involve donning all black & serving lattes (no complaints here). I just know that the Lord has something for me in CA....and I'm pretty pumped about it. At the very least I suppose it involves blessed amounts of time at the beach with my Bible, in addition to so much family time.

Today it all just feels surreal.....and I guess it should, because it hasn't happened yet. Its funny though because in the midst of all this uncertainty and anticipation I feel more like myself than I have in a long time.....

Heaven and Judgement day....

2011-05-23T05:05:00.000-07:00

So there was no "end of the world" on saturday....people made lots of jokes, I watched Zombieland...gotta be prepared right? But of course there were lots of people seriously scared and others very "ready". In light of all this, my thoughts have been wrapped around the future glory that is promised to us, realizing that if Jesus had come back this weekend...there would have been much rejoicing.

When you feel the weight of broken, awkward relationships or your own sin its hard not to be so very ready for that beautiful day when I will see in full and know in full--be presented perfect in Christ. The very longing of my heart-to see Jesus face to face- has been stirred up. I want to fix my attention on Him so that my affections are highest and fullest on this Man who gave His life for me AND ROSE FROM THE DEAD.

Randy Alcorn, in his book Heaven, encourages me with this: "...in order to get a picture of heaven you don't need to look up at the clouds; you simply need to look around you and imagine what all this would be like without sin and death and suffering and corruption....People smiling and joyful, not angry, not depressed and empty....At last, you're with the person you were made for, in the place you were made to be..."

Tell me you're not ready. I am so ready for my relationships and dreams and my heart to be pure as gold and to be fully who I was made to be. Until then, I'll spend my life telling people about this Jesus we were created by and for. He is holy, worthy and good.

"With my Saviour's garments on, Holy as the Holy One." ~Hart

2011-05-16T09:00:00.001-07:00

Ever feel like EVERYTHING is out of your control?! It's a good day to bank it all in Jesus. Not sure whats coming... Story of my life! Love God. Love People. Save Lives.

When Helping Hurts: read together 1

2011-05-15T13:25:00.000-07:00

This week I started reading a book with some friends and strangers all over the globe. Our goal is to read a chapter and blog about it so that we can have a beautiful global discussion. The book is called When Helping Hurts: How to Alleviate Poverty without Hurting the Poor...and Yourself. I would love to hear your thoughts...especially if you've read the book. If you wanna join the discussion, grab the book and get to reading! Here are my initial thoughts:

I want to help. And I want to help well. So in the first place this book just plain excites me. Then I did the opening exercise...and what I realized is: I have no idea. I think in my head I have this idealistic notion that I could completely solve the worlds hunger/poverty issues (its just a distribution issue, right??!) but then as I started thinking through what the best way help small business owners in Indonesia, whose businesses were destroyed in the 2004 tsunami, would be I realized that I have no idea. The only answer that I even slightly had an answer to was # 3 whom will you choose from your church to go on this trip? Small business owners of course! But I’ll be honest the more I think about it, the more I realize that I’m not sure that North American business owners can translate all their experience in places with different (and often corrupt) government systems, with different financial situations...I used to say “people are people all over the world so we can all relate....” and I still think thats true, but I realize that while I can help a 19 year old Kazakh girl with relationship issues on some level, helping her find her hope and worth in Jesus....I doubt someone can take all the North American business principles and just transfer them to life in Indonesia after a tsunami. (Can we even translate them to our friends who lost everything in New Orleans?)

So my resounding answer to the opening exercise is: OH MY GOSH! I have NO idea!! The most frustrating thing about that is having been a person who wanted to be so quick to drop out of school and go “help”. Awesome.

Then there was the introduction. I read the story of this man and his family helping the witch doctor “Grace” and just realized mostly that I wouldn’t know what ELSE to do, but give her financial help. Of course, if I have $8 then I should give it for medicine for a person. I don’t really see what other choice a person has in that. I believe its our duty to save lives...not worth a pat on the back but we are merely doing what we ought to do type situation. As for the reality of whether there was actual long-term help being given...I once again have no idea.

We do not necessarily need to feel guilty about our wealth. But we do need to get up every morning with a deep sense that something is terribly wrong and yearn and strive to do something about it. There is simply not enough yearning and striving going on.

I mean...I guess thats true. But I just went to a conference where every turn was someone who started a non-profit to help benefit those in need. So I’m not entirely convinced of this...at least not the striving and yearning part. I think people wake up most days in both wealth and poverty and think Something is deeply deeply wrong here, and I don’t know how to fix it. So they go about their day, because they are barely holding their own lives together and they can’t fathom how they can help someone in the depths of poverty get out because they have a gaping hole in their own lives they are desperately trying to fill.

But so far, I like where this is going. I like that they might have some helpful advice in how to close the gap and how to bring about lasting change in a way that brings people hope & dignity and points them to Jesus in the process.

"never lost & never found are one and the same..."

2011-05-14T09:16:00.000-07:00

I'm not one who tends to put journal entries on the internet for the whole wide world to see...but in this period of transition I went back to the summer of 2006, which feels like ages ago, to see what the Lord was doing as I prepared to pack up my life and move it to the MidWest.

July, 2, 2006: I wonder if Jesus ever felt this strange feeling of [detachment] when it was time for him to go. It's almost as if my instincts help me to know. Its weird...its one thing to run away, to not care; to want to get away from things and never deal with them. Thats a different feeling. This is a feeling of peace and contentment. A feeling of accomplished work. Its as though God has allowed me to impact lives here and used people here to impact my life and now he's slowly bringing me somewhere new, w/new people and new places. A new chance to impact lives. To bring his love, joy, peace & grace to people. A scary change...I'm flexible, but deep down I know I still hate change. What a wonderful story God has given me. I am blessed among women. Oh Lord, my God! Provide an opportunity for me to serve in Norman this fall. You are God. You can do all things; I trust you. Amen.

Now I'm praying for an open door to serve somewhere new...but that little girl had (and still has) no idea what she was asking for. Norman, Oklahoma...Sooner Nation....OU BSU, Paradigm, one-on-ones, Adams, Athletics....Cate. River Church, amazing mentors, FOCUS, Cambodia, Germany...Kstan. A chance to be involved with making multiplying disciples....it has been the adventure I never dreamed of. And the thought of leaving stirs up so many different emotions and thoughts....but I can sense the pull like gravity and am hopeful for the change, in despite the blaring reality that I have no idea what the next thing looks like.

So I'm praying for direction, hopeful for the future and (in the words of Donald Miller) "leaving a gap for God". If he doesn't work this out the whole thing WILL fall apart...but I think he'll show up. He always does.

"I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, you are my servant; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So DO NOT FEAR, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:9-10

little ansty nomad girl

2011-05-07T14:27:00.000-07:00

There are some things you just never think you'll be ready for. I can name a number of them...but the one I am currently thinking about is Riverside. I spent just over four years in Rside (for college)...but I grew up in San Diego, so Riverside wasn't really my idea of "cool". But I think I'm ready to go back.

I'm ready for Back to the Grind & The Mission Inn & thrift stores and bookstores. For live music & real mexican food and the best coffee shops in the world (minus The Gray Owl of course). For CIV and Huntington Beach & Hollywood. And I know it has a lot to do with people and memories and the sights and sounds of being wooed by Jesus during some really important years of my life, but I am ready to be there again. And it will be new and different and it might not last forever, but I am learning to accept that I am an antsy little girl. I love to travel, I love adventure and I am going to fight for it. So if it means that I need to just get a jump start somewhere new (hello, Portland) or God opens a door for me to be back in SoCal (yes, please?!) I am ready for change.

Jesus, I choose to believe that my best days are ahead. Whether that's in the great Pacific NorthWest or the beauty of So Cal...if its the tropic temps of Latin America or the stupid cold winters in Germany....I will follow you. I will love people and I will put all my hope in You. Because you are worthy. amen and amen

Celebrate your investment

2011-05-07T07:09:00.000-07:00

Today there are a group of 7th graders graduating from college. When you do junior high ministry there are many days where you think dang, I'm tired...and does this even matter? If that's you today...just wait it out. Days like this will come and you get to see some men and women who are committed followers of Jesus and you get to rejoice with them (even from afar) and know...deeply KNOW that it was worth every late night, every sleepover, every pool party, every youth trip and you can CELEBRATE that Jesus is completely in control and using you to make a long term investment.

Today I am celebrating. Thanks Jesus. Congrats to the c/o 2011 -- particularly those of you from MABC Junior High :) you make my heart smile

what now?

2011-05-02T13:17:00.000-07:00

I'm in whiner mode. I'm even annoying myself. Silliness.

Its just that I really don't know what to do with my life. I feel like I'm stuck. And I'm not...not really....but I need a better plan than the one I currently have. I hate that I'm bored. Because I'm only 27 and its too early to be "stuck". I can do anything I want....except that I need to pay off students loans...which is well...its mostly just obnoxious.

I don't even need a sign. I'm just restless....its a strange feeling.

On a different note yet strangely related, I realized the other day that I treasure my freedom more than I Treasure Jesus sometimes. While I don't believe that following Jesus means I get stuck doing a bunch of stuff that I hate, however, I do think there are times the Lord has asked me to do things that either didn't make sense or weren't on the top of my list and I am realizing that along with "Redeemer", "Savior", & "Friend" I call Him "Lord", "Master" & "King" indicating my place as one who is NOT calling the shots. hmmmm....I need think that through a little more right now.

I currently feel like I have permission to leave Norman. Which is bittersweet because that means I have to actually figure out where to be.

Having permission isn't the same as being led somewhere...I just feel like I can. I don't have to, but I wouldn't be disobedient to go. So I guess its my choice....so now what?

antsy

2011-04-29T15:49:00.000-07:00

maybe i will just move....to Portland. I know, I know...i say things like this ALL the time. But I think after NMF4 I'm going to be a little more serious....the world is totally open, right?! AGH! something needs to change.

Thank you Jesus for being constant....even though I'm constantly asking you to change things. Love,

Your VERY antsy servant

Get a Life!

2011-04-24T06:48:00.000-07:00

If there is no resurrection of the dead, then not even Christ has been raised. And if Christ has not been raised, our preaching is useless and so is your [life].

1 Corinthians 15:13-14

There is so much that gets preached about and talked about from day to day, week to week that its really easy to forget that I have literally based my entire life around one thing--the resurrection of Jesus. Thats it...nothing else matters...

I care about a lot of other things (theologically speaking) but none of them matter so much if THIS isn't true. If Jesus didn't rise from the dead, it doesn't matter what spiritual gifts I have or don't have. If Jesus didn't destroy death, then it doesn't matter if the sick get healed or the poor get fed. If Jesus is still in a tomb, then who cares what your strategy for missions is....its all nice, but its futile. Your faith is futile, useless...in vain. And lets be honest...your faith, my faith, is my life.

Every breath I breathe and every step I take: futile.

Today I am overjoyed...because even in all the doubt or the confusion about life, I am certain of one thing: Christ has Risen from the dead!

"Christ has risen from the dead, trampling over death by death! Come Awake! Come Awake! Come and Rise up from the dead!!"

He is Risen! He is Risen, indeed!

doubting and puffer fish

2011-04-23T20:16:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me today if there was ever a significant period of time that I struggled with doubt. I thought about it briefly and what I realized was that since my junior year of high school I have spent more time in "periods of doubt" than not. I didn't actually start following Jesus until the summer after my freshman year so...technically that means I only spent 2 years in a good solid "non-doubting" place and then as life got more complicated I struggled....and struggled and continue to struggle...

No, I don't sit around contemplating the existence of God. I am pretty convinced He exists and is involved in the lives of people. But there are so many times in my life where I am asking questions like "Does He really care?" "Is He trustworthy?" or "Why doesn't He wield His power in this situation?" "Is Jesus really worth it?". Most of my doubts have to do with short-term circumstances and questioning the character of God. I struggle to remember that my light and momentary afflictions are achieving for me a glory that far outweighs them all...or as David Platt put it: "Short-term circumstances provide a poor measurement of the long-term character of God."

But I spend most of my life trying to fit God and what He is doing into my circumstances. I struggle to understand why things don't go the way I was hoping or when the waiting will be over. Yes, there are times that I walk out in crazy obedience and get it right...a few choices where I have had the opportunity to just thrust my whole life in the hands of my very capable God...but to be honest these are mostly "just close your eyes and leap" situations and the Father caught me in his amazing mercy. But I can't say I live there every moment of everyday...in fact, I would dare say that most of the time I wrestle with "Can I trust God to come through for me?"

I am naturally impatient...so its really easy for me to listen to the deceiver when he says "Did God really say?" ugh...what a stupid question!! But I listen to it all the time. And I start questioning the goodness of God.

I'm a beach-kid....being born & raised in San Diego the ocean is a pretty central part of your life. But its also easy to forget that beyond the invisible line that your parents have taught you not to cross there is a whole world of life happening and the Lord is ordering all of it. A line in a favorite poem of mine. written from the perspective of God, reads: " I tell oceans what to do, I think Daddy can take care of you."

ugh...isn't it true? Whether we see it or not, God really is taking care of us. And if He sent His only son to die, won't he along with him also give us everything thing we need (Romans 8:32)?! God is not so busy taking care of puffer fish that He can't see my needs and meet every single one of them.

So, in answer to the original question: YES. I doubt all the time. I live in doubt more than I live in certainty...but by letting the Bible tell me the truth I am able to live one day at a time in the hope of the Lord, even when I see no progress in my circumstances. So today I sing this song of praise with the prophets of old:

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,

and there are no grapes on the vines;

even though the olive crop fails,

and the fields lie empty and barren;

even though the flocks die in the fields,

and the cattle barns are empty,

yet I will rejoice in the Lord!

I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!

The Sovereign Lord is my strength!

He makes me as surefooted as a deer,

able to tread upon the heights

a single splinter

2011-04-14T20:57:00.000-07:00

Being single can be a frustrating place to be many reasons. While I may talk from time to time about my frustrations with the single life, I am content to trust Jesus and will not marry anyone who doesn't love Jesus first and foremost....However, thats not the point of this post.

No...the point of this post is that I just got REALLY frustrated with my lack of marital status because I HAVE A SPLINTER IN MY FOOT!!!! yes, folks a splinter, and I can't help but think that there aren't many people I can call (I'm counting zero) to come get a splinter out of my foot at 11pm. I imagine someone would come if I called enough people, but I think it could fall into the category of high maintenance (until of course it gets infected and you have to make an emergency room visit).

It just hurts (literally) to do this by myself. Plus this is stuff funny stories are made out of..."Hey remember that one time you left a splinter in your foot for 6 hours...."

such is life. :)

not a good blogger

2011-04-12T18:47:00.000-07:00

The problem with wanting to be a regular blogger is that...well sometimes you have nothing to say. Lame. Half the problem is that I'm not super self disciplined and need to be a little more focused. The other thing is that I'm tired and kind of just want to watch movies and sleeeeeep. (I haven't gotten much of that these days...) But I also know that I have to actually put some pen to paper.

I'm better at writing than blogging. Meaning, I am an epic journal-er and if you give me an actual pen and paper I could write about pretty much anything. Its just when I get to typing things out that I get....I don't know...maybe self-conscious or insecure or lost my train of thought (SQUIRREL!) but for whatever reasons its just epic difficult to get something down every day. I think have too many thoughts going on in a day...or that I want to write about something as soon as I think about it rather than waiting until later that night....I KNOW! (lightbulb moment...) I will try just writing about a thought in a little journal (I'll call it my blog journal) and then later on I can actually type it out.....hmmm I wonder if this will work. Operation "Blog More" is starting.....right now. okay GO!

I will carry the Name of Jesus!!

2011-04-03T18:37:00.000-07:00

I had the extreme honor of serving at Passion 2011 in Ft Worth this weekend. I have much to say, but I am epic tired to I'll do this Shanda style and make you a numbered list.

1. I am so tired I almost only ate jello for dinner.

2. I actually at Sarah's leftovers...thankful for the microwave tonight

3.Being a Passion volunteer is such an amazing experience. I had the privilege of being a part of Kneel-a 24 hour guided prayer journey, designed to unite a generation in prayer! What. Up.

4. The Passion conference itself was an incredible experience.

5. The amazing-ness has nothing to do with the conference....Louie and the crew seriously make it all about Jesus and making much of him. (this part is worthy of its own post later)

6. I think I made some lifelong friends....you know who you are! :) I also met up with some old ones! WOO HOO!

7. I can't wait until Passion2012!! Atlanta, get READY!

8. I encountered the Living Jesus and He reaffirmed the calling He put on my life....I feel so honored to carry the name of Jesus. I cannot wait to see what He has in store in this season.

Oh...and this is for free: just ONE of the reason I love college students so much--the students raised $227,000 in one weekend to get the Word of God translated into the heart language of the Koso people group. That's what I'm talking about!!!!

Okay, Good Night!

four words and a calling

2011-03-26T06:21:00.000-07:00

Feeling epic discontent with my life right now. I don't know what I really want to do. The other day at LifeGroup we were talking about vision and the Father gave me four words: community, hope, healing, discipleship. My life is to promote and foster those four things in the lives of people I am around. I really liked that it seems like they follow each other.

When people get into authentic community where they feel safe and loved they experience hope; and this is a hope that does not disappoint. They begin to see life differently--as it could be, not how its always been--and the hope leads to a place of healing. Healing comes most effectively when a group of people who know and love you will fight for you, hold you up, help you, run hard and fast (or walk slowly limping) with you in whatever journey you're on. And the healing isn't just for you. The healing is so you can get out there and join the fight. So we can fight for and with other people, not so we can live comfortable lives and tell a story of a long, long time ago. So we press into discipleship. We teach others what we've learned and keep learning from other people. We show people how to think and act like Jesus because someone taught us how to think and act like Jesus. In the midst of all the chaos we love and live like Jesus so we can know him better...or maybe the other way around, but either way we bring community, hope & healing that only comes from Jesus to the nations.

Thats a big calling. And I have no idea what I'm doing. I am currently single, teaching Pre-K in Norman, Oklahoma. It doesn't feel like I'm anywhere near to this big dream I have in my tiny heart. Besides that, I spend awful amounts of time worrying about who I am currently disappointing by my choices (because I don't know what I'm doing!!!). And just feeling awkwardly mediocre and like I'm failing...at life.

So what is there to do? I could move...and that might help for a while. I could work for a NPO and feel like the left-leaning, do-gooder that I sometimes tend to be. I could find a "cause" or two and just rally behind them so I can pat myself on the back. I can read a lot of really good books about other people doing radical things and get pumped...but stay put in my own life.

I mean, I honestly don't know what to do here. I feel like Joseph, when he gets stuck in prison and is forgotten about. That probably sounds extreme....but I imagine you've felt it at times too.

I'm bowl full of questions these days...with no answers. I know that I love Jesus. I know I want to see other people love Jesus above all else and give their lives to knowing Him because He's worth it.

But that's seriously all I know right now.

no more crazy

2011-03-24T20:06:00.000-07:00

I don't wish I was a guy often....but they really are so logical, level-headed, and even-keeled. Even the most emotional guys aren't as up and down as I am on GOOD day. This has NOT been a good emotional week for me. Wondering if Jesus would like to impart some level-headed wisdom to me today.....

2011-03-24T17:30:00.001-07:00

Grace, Grace...Gods grace! Grace that is bigger than all my sin!!

one week

2011-03-22T18:16:00.000-07:00

Ever just feel exhausted with life? I mean, I feel like even when my own personal life is "drama free" there are other things going on in peoples lives that I get to help circumnavigate...and honestly this week the waters are a little choppy.

Some days I wonder if there will ever be a time when things are less overwhelming than they are right now. Will I ever get to just sit back and enjoy the current? Or will there always be some pressing matter that I have to take care of? I would like to just have ONE WEEK (okay, maybe a month) of my life where my emotions were well managed, my heart was fully encouraged, all my tanks were filled (including my gas tank) and I was in complete favor with God and men. I'm starting to think that its impossible and I need to just learn to live with the chaos, but its really hard some days.

And lets face it....I'm really tired of being disappointed with my relationships, as well as the relationships of my friends. I just want things to work out well for someone but thats honestly just not the way things are today. There are so many beautiful and cliche things about this...yes, I know God is stronger, bigger, and nearer than I could ever know or understand but there are some days that doesn't feel like enough.

And I don't know what to do with that.

Try

2011-03-10T16:30:00.000-08:00

“God does have a specific plan for our lives, but it is not one that He expects us to figure out before we make a decision.” ~ Kevin DeYoung, Just Do Something

Thanks, Kevin. And thank you to Shanda for posting that.

Why do we feel like we have to have it all figured out? It makes us anxious and frustrated and not that much fun to be around....at least thats what it does to me. And most of the time the only reason I want to have it all figured out is so that people will tell me how awesome/smart/wise/great/cool I am....it has nothing to do with faith. Without faith, it is impossible to please God and everything that does not come from faith is sin...I think I read that somewhere (try the Bible: Hebrews 11:6 & Romans 14:23). So whats the deal with our faithless panic?

There is a three letter word that I think our silly generation has overlooked for a useless and false sense of security: TRY. When is the last time you decided to just try? Sure, it may not work out, but at least you went for it. I think the Lord is pleased when we step out in faith and try stuff.

Its the job you want? Apply.

You like her? Ask her out.

You love Jesus? Go overseas and tell someone about Him.

Its really not that hard. Sure, the job may say no. That relationship may not end in a white dress and a honeymoon. and you WILL get sick when you go overseas...but wasn't it worth it? Wasn't it worth it to just take a chance and see what grace the Lord Jesus will give you to handle everything you thought you were afraid of?

Go ahead. Just try.

amazing-ness on a Sunday evening

2011-02-21T12:23:00.000-08:00

Getting ready to leave PDX. Oh the sadness. I'm actually not sure I've ever been sadder to leave a place. People? Yes. I'm always sad to leave people, but this city is amazing....

Part 2 of my Portlandia Sunday included a second trip downtown to see this rockin sign

as well as the infamous VooDoo doughnuts.

There was much people watching to be done as well.

Of course in true Portlander fashion we went to the other VooDoo Doughnuts because only tourist stand outside in line.....

Turns out this place is super weird...

My doughnut had a random fruit loop on it....plus it had lemonade powder on it...i don't know about this...some things should just be normal...

(Sorry Morgan, they were out of bacon ones....)

We ended the night with a brilliant trip to St Johns Bridge just before sunset....

This city is amazing.

a Portland Sunday...part one

2011-02-20T21:23:00.000-08:00

Oh the tired....its a happy tired....today was lots of fun and I'm officially in love with Portland. The highlights of today.

Of course last night ended with my favorite kind of girls night :) So when I woke up this morning we got the day started with the best kind of coffee:

yes that's right...sexy coffee. hilarious and awesome. It was good stuff too.

see don't I look happy :)

Then there was Multnomah Falls. Pictures don't do this justice, but I can try.

Okay...so that was the first half of the day....more of Portland Sunday to come....LOVE LOVE

chillin in the hood...Mt. Hood

2011-02-20T08:25:00.000-08:00

My right hip flexor hurts...and I feel slightly like I got hit by a train. This is apparently considered normal if you go snow shoeing on Mt. Hood.

And that's what we did!

What is snow shoeing, you ask? Basically its walking.

But its walking up a mountain, in the snow...vastly different.

And a beautiful, snowy mountain at that.

So here are a few pictures of the beautiful amazing snowy creation of the Lord.

"Have you entered the storehouses of the snow....."

"He spreads out the northern skies over empty space; he suspends the earth over nothing..."

And these are but the outer fringe of his works; how faint the whisper we hear of him!"

Lots of Love and Grace to you today, Love Anissa

bridges and bookstores and rain...OH MY!

2011-02-19T07:27:00.002-08:00

Oh Portlandia...

My heart feels a little like it does after that amazing first date (or what I imagine...I don't go on a lot of those...). My insides feel all squishy and warm and jumbly...or it could be the bomb mexican food I ate last night.

Either way, I think I'm in love. I'm sure Portland has its faults and one day shouldn't have me sold, but I confess I will be asking Jesus what His plan is regarding myself and this amazing city.

Coffee and food stands, plus beautiful industrial bridges and artsy-ness around every corner. In addition to all the beautiful, misty grey color that permeates the city is great for pictures in black and white.

Meet Becky.

She's one of Lindsays roomies...she is an epic artist AND she makes fantasmic cranberry-walnut-oatmeal pancakes. I want to be her friend. SEEEEEEE JESUS!!! I already have another friend here....wink wink...

Plus...there's Miss Lindsay Brown. I mean for serious....I love this girl and she's so refreshing to be around.

How could I NOT want to come be a part of her wonderful community here?! okay, okay....don't worry Normanites...I will be back on Monday. I have a job, ya know. :) This is just to say...everyone was right...I love Portland.

And now for something completely different.....Day 2

Home sweeeeet home

2011-02-18T12:03:00.000-08:00

Day 1 of Portland. So far, so awesome. I mean it doesn't get any better than this:

How can I not feel at home in a city with amazing signs? Plus I walked in the rain this morning to a waffle cart that had great coffee...

So there you have it. Portland, Oregon. And we haven't even been downtown yet....

Off to Pioneer Square....

I think I'll go to Portland....

2011-02-17T16:18:00.000-08:00

I'm about to go to Portland....I've wanted to go for a good 5 or 6 years. There's something about dreams coming true that brings hope. I never thought I'd get to Portland. I just figured it would be a little insignificant dream of my heart for ever....something I would just get used to wanting. But our God is so good and kind that He gives us amazing gifts we don't deserve, so we will honor his goodness. Praise the Lord. He is kind and I love him!

So I'm going to get on this plane and visit Lindsay and have a GREAT time in Ptown (thats what all the cool kids are calling it)...and in the process I am going to keep trusting the Lord to provide the other things my heart desires because He is amazing and he loves me.

Know, therefore, that the LORD your God is not giving you this good land to possess because of your righteousness, for you are a stubborn people. Deuteronomy 9:6

By His Grace, For His Glory

what am I doing?

2011-02-09T15:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing that could not be done apart from the power and Presence of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes it feels like nothing.

Father, I pray that you would open a door for something that takes more risk and guts than I could imagine. I pray that you would give me something that only You can do. I don't want my life to be explainable apart from you. I want everything to bring You Glory. So bring it on, Jesus. I pray there would be only amazing Gospel-awesome things happening in my life. Because you showed up.

Here I am. Send me.

snow daze (not clever, but funny)

2011-02-09T07:22:00.000-08:00

Its another snow day. Norman, Oklahoma is once again blanketed in a beautiful (although inconvenient) layer of God-given snow. As much as I hate being stuck in the house its always wonderful to wake up to the sun, make coffee and crescent rolls and enjoy time with Jesus.

I am becoming increasingly aware of my desperate need of Jesus. I love that He continues to show me how much I need Him. My sense of failure and depravity draws me closer, helping me realize that it always has been and always will be grace that I am walking in.

Last night at LifeGroup, I was so overwhelmed by the reality that God wants to use me to bring other people to Himself. Sometimes I wonder why He doesn't come up with another (much better plan). Doesn't he know me? I'm much more preoccupied with whether I'll ever get married and have kids, with whether my friends think I'm cool or not, with my own comfort/adventure/reputation/fill in the blank stupid thing that has no eternal value. Why would he give me the job of leading people to Jesus? Yes, I care...I am burdened for the Lost...sometimes. But then its business as usual--dishes to be done, snow to complain about, books to be read & written, tv shows to watch, blogs to write.....ugh. Its exhausting. And I tend to think that moving will help (it won't). I can see my thought process:

"This is boring. I should go somewhere exciting so I can get 'stirred up' and passionate."

But I don't want to live on mountain top experiences; I want to advance the Kingdom of God. Right here. Right now. But honestly it seems like everyone else is getting after it and I'm stuck putting out fires or trying to make myself look good or trying not to offend people.

no answers today. apparently I'm a little more frustrated than I realized.....

Holy Spirit, have your way in me. Lead me wherever you want me. I've got nothing...again.

snow days

2011-02-01T09:26:00.000-08:00

“Come now, let us settle the matter,”

says the LORD.

“Though your sins are like scarlet,

they shall be as white as snow;

though they are red as crimson,

they shall be like wool.

Isaiah 1:18

quotes are awesome

2011-01-29T13:06:00.000-08:00

I like quotes. A lot. And today I read a few that were inspiring. I thought about commenting on them, but I'll just go ahead and leave them for you to chew on. Happy quoting. Feel free to add your own.

"Wrestling with God is not a bad thing. It’s impossible to wrestle with someone who is far away from you. You can only wrestle someone who is close to you. Sometimes we interpret it as failure, but I think God sees it as intimacy.” ~ a counselor named Chuck

“If you’re going to risk and maybe fail, fail at something that matters. Fail gloriously so that even in failure, lives change.” Jon Acuff

"Let's make better mistakes tomorrow..."

“The most important moments rarely come at convenient times. Sometimes you wish that God would check your calendar first." ~Erwin McManus

”It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all.” JK Rowling

what are you waiting for?

2011-01-25T20:55:00.000-08:00

There is a little poem that I pray continually these days as I wait on the Lord, trusting Him to guide me:

Not for the Light of even one step ahead,

but for Thee, dear Lord, I wait.

It is humbling to realize at times that I want to demand that God show me even what is "next", but that I am supposed to be trusting Him to show me more of who He is. Would I be satisfied with just the Lord...with embracing the Fathers heart, even if it means I have no idea what is coming? Am I really okay with just Jesus?

I want Jesus alone to be my Reward, not the proverbial promised land...because what good is the land without my God? It is nothing. I have really enjoyed the book Safer Than a Known Way by Pamela Roswell Moore because it is a story of a woman's journey into knowing the Father better and just taking steps of faith that show her radical trust in her Savior. There is a beautiful story at the beginning that goes like this:

"I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year: 'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.' And he replied: 'Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.'"

~M.L. Haskins

What a convicting story...do I live my life that way? Trusting that stepping out into the dark with Jesus is BETTER than knowing the way? May we all find ourselves in this place of deeper trust and walking in glistening hope for the Glory of the Lord!

Holy Spirit, come. Draw me in closer so I will trust you deeper and walk by your guiding hand. Produce fruit in me along the way that points others to you. In Jesus name, Amen.

clever little trick...

2011-01-24T16:53:00.000-08:00

Do you ever find yourself in a really awkward bad mood? That just happened to me. I was having an amazing time with a friend, when another friend called me to make sure I was aware of a change in the plans we had made for this evening and instead of being grateful that I was informed and feeling loved, I feel annoyed. I have this really unreasonable annoyance that makes me want to not participate at all....which is stupid. And I'm going...don't worry, the Enemy won't win this battle for me to pull out of community, but its so frustrating that I am even feeling this way.

Alas and alack....I'll stop blogging now and go hang out with people. Choosing Joy.

Jesus, I pr for grace and peace. You gave me community, help me be loving and gracious and filled with joy, not selfishness that my plans got messed up. You are worth it. In your loving and grace-filled name, Amen.

what do you need? ask

2011-01-15T08:33:00.000-08:00

We believe in prayer. Then why don't we pray? The real reason is, we have nothing to pray for. We have everything we want without praying. The supreme tragedy of most people is that they want so little and they are satisfied with almost nothing. ~Charles Allen

Imagine the results waiting for Christians who would remove unbelief from their lives. Yet, the age in which we live seems to make this a most difficult feat. If God does not heal, we rely on doctors. If money fails to come for bills, we can always borrow from the bank or a friend. If mission fields close, we can always erect radio stations to broadcast the Gospel. In a materialistic, self-oriented society is is often easy to be caught in a spirit of unbelief. ~Dick Eastman

What do you want? If God doesn't provide it, can you get it from somewhere else? Are you making a back-up plan "just in case"?

These are the questions have run rampant in my life. I'm the girl with a back-up plan. Oh, I will say I trust the Lord to provide what I need, but then ten thousand times a day I find myself making plans just in case the Lord doesn't come through for me. I also find myself trying to let God off the hook. Have you ever prayed like this, Lord, I really would like to see you do this, but if you don't thats okay too. As if God needed a way out. Its the same as saying God CAN, but he probably won't. That statement leaves out such an important part of Gods character--His epic nearness to each of His children.

Of course I believe in doctors and I think people should practice humility and ask for help, as well as getting the gospel out in every way possible. But I think the point is that we don't even ask the Lord, or we always have another plan in our heads, so we aren't really trusting the Lord. We're asking as a mere formality so that we can say we prayed about it. I find myself doing this so often it hurts. I've been asking Father to provide in some very specific ways lately, and I find myself making other plans in case he doesn't. Its really humiliating to realize you keep trying to make a backup plan for the Creator of the Universe. Last I heard He spoke the universe into existence with words....

As I learn more about being an intercessor and I pray for my friends and family, watching the Lord answer, I am excited to see how simply believing God opens up all kinds opportunities to share the Gospel; to share the Love and Provision of God whomever I meet. Its exciting to sing the praises of God all day long, to testify of His greatness all day long.

I read a story about George Mueller today, where he asked a sea captain to pray with him that the fog would lift, so they knelt to pray. George prayed and the captain went to pray, but doubted the Lord would answer so as he started, George said "you need not pray, you do not believe." Ouch.

But for the grace of God, there go I.

A little God-kindness

2011-01-14T21:41:00.000-08:00

Tell me why its Jan 14 and I haven't blogged in several days?! Ugh...so much for that good start, eh?

Here's a poem about prayer I read today that challenged my socks off:

There's no easy path to glory

There's no rosy road to fame.

Prayer, no matter how you view it,

Is no simple parlor game.

But its prizes call for fighting,

For endurance and for grit;

For a rugged "I can do it"

And some "don't know when to quit".

~Anonymous

So, even now, I'm praying for some "don't know when to quit" because I know the Lord delights when I ask Him to provide for me and my friends. I love seeing the kindness of God in little ways. Today I saw it in two specific ways that really mattered to me.

First, I needed an eye doctor appointment at the last minute because it turned out I had the wrong insurance for the Dr. I was scheduled to see. And praise the Lord, He opened up a spot for me at an AMAZING optometrist office in Norman (shout out to Dr. Mendell) and I got in really early, got a full exam AND cute/cheap glasses (yay for health insurance). Pictures to come...

And as if that wasn't enough, I then drove all the way to Penn Square Mall (for you Cali kids, even though PSM is only 35 minutes away its REALLY FAR for us here in Norman...its like a special event to go all the way there. In other words its a big deal...I digress). So I drove to the Apple store bc yesterday the "Home" button on my iphone stopped working, which means I can't get in or out of any applications because, well, that button is the one that takes to you to the app screen. Well its been sticky for a while, but still worked and of course my phone was purchased in 2008 and then GIFTED to me in 2009 so I've had it for over a year and the warranty was up in a very bad way...so over the phone the nice Apple people basically said "Sorry, nothing we can do", however, by God's grace and extreme favor, Patrick at the Apple store had a different story....

After looking at my poor phone (which apparently had liquid damage, an inch long crack & a broken silence button) he took it into the back, had major pity for me and GAVE ME A BRAND NEW PHONE!!! You can imagine my extreme excitement! The phone I had wasn't even brand new when I received it and here I am now with a new one!! SO GREAT! I was incredible grateful and called him my hero and left a happy girl (especially since he gave me a 90 day warranty on it).

So I just feel like the grace of God was very near to me today, in a way that mattered to me personally. It was amazing and so fun! I could sense the Lord reminding me in all the little things that he is actually listening to me and hears me and even says YES to me...which I apparently need to learn to receive.

What about you? What "little" ways has God shown you His kindness this week?

Stronger

2011-01-09T13:59:00.000-08:00

I started this blog back in 2004 as a way to share some poetry that I had written. Then as I went along I would share a few thoughts here and there, but lately my desire to write and share what the Lord has put on my heart has been... well I guess the word I would use is stronger. The pull towards the written word and more than that, bringing others into the clear (and mirky) lessons the Father has chosen to teach me (because I am well aware I am not alone on this journey) increases day by day.

Part of the reason people read blogs and books alike is to know they're not alone. Its always nice to know that the Lord has put fellow travelers on the road with us. Even today, I met a guy who also moved from Southern California to Oklahoma simply because the Lord told him to. It is encouraging to know that the Lord is indeed speaking and ever so clearly to those who will hear his Voice and respond.

So this year, 2011, I will try to share more consistently. Of course the problem with this is a little thing I lack at times called discipline, but I know the Spirit will help me because through Him I have self-control and can choose to do whatever task the Lord sets before me. I don't know, we'll see how this goes. I'll just keep sharing my heart annnnnnnd see what happens.

I think this year is going to be so epic. I'm looking forward to next January and how I will get to look back and see all the things the Lord has done (and how I actually believed Him for those things!!!). I declare this is the year that I stop saying, "God can, but he probably won't." No more. It will be such joy to look back and see how I've grown in the presence of the Lord and in favor with Him. What joyous anticipation!! God's grace is so imminent and He really is good. Lets trust him in His goodness this year.

By His grace, for His Glory. Amen and amen.

seasons

2011-01-08T08:46:00.000-08:00

I love beautiful days. Today is one of those days, when I know that the favor of the Lord rests on me. I see the mercy of the Lord in the bright sky & hear the approval in His voice in the sounds of children laughing (through my paper thin walls).

I make plans all the time. 90% of these plans don't actually work out and I'm okay with that. I love when the Lord says "wait & be faithful" because I know it means he has something in store for me that I can be so excited about. Its like this every time...When I hear those words "be faithful in the small days", I know its because I will learn to lean on Him so much more and that He is preparing me for something new. I like it. So I'm here in Norman, OK (still) learning to trust the Lord for this season as well as the next because He has asked me to wait on Him to show me whats next.

I'm looking forward to Spring, but I would really like to live this winter well. I want to rejoice in the way its FREEZING cold and all the snow, the heavy coats, and wearing gloves and colorful scarfs. I want to ENJOY my fireplace and the soft aroma of winter candles. I want to live fully in the warmth of fleece blankets and steaming soup. I don't want to be sick, but if it happens I want to trust that The Lord has indeed provided me with caring friends to take care of me and vice versa. I want to discover the mystery of Jesus in Winter, so that when Spring comes I understand Him better and know Him more intimately and I can fully enjoy whatever season He chooses to bring next.

The Lord is in all the seasons: winter & spring; happiness & frustration; marriage & singleness; the Lord prepares us for them all and Loves us through them all. I wait in glorious anticipation.

healing the sick

2011-01-05T08:18:00.000-08:00

I tried to go to work today. Didn't happen...well, what actually happened was I told the Lord that I was going to work & if he wanted me home then they'd have to send me home. It took 2 seconds and one look for them to inform me that I would indeed be going home. Thanks Lord.

Honestly, most days I stay home I find something to mope about and find a nice way to have a pity party and cry a lot about things....not so today. Today, the Lord has given me deep joy and a peace that passes all understanding so I'm just...happy.

I confess I was sad that I had to leave school...I felt kind of lame & like I wasn't taking care of myself and like I should just stop thinking so highly of my self that I think I'm necessary at school--even sick. But then I got in my car & drove home, and am currently in bed, already feeling significantly better than I was earlier. Praise Jesus.

Its fun to pray for people to be healed and watch the Lord do it. I prayed for my friend Leah last night and this morning and she's feeling better now too. I have been recently reminded that God has complete dominion and authority over my body & CAN heal it! We got to see lots of people healed at the One Thing conference, too! Maybe when I pray and someone is healed I should be extremely LESS surprised than I usually am. My surprise when someone is healed or when God says yes to my hearts desires demonstrates my lack of faith in His goodness & grace.

Healing (physical AND emotional): It is one of the beautiful mysteries of knowing the Lord that I get to explore this year.

Sweet Jesus; my clarity, my sanity, a mystery.

pledged

2011-01-02T15:11:00.000-08:00

Its no big secret that I want to get married. If you read my blog for more than 8 seconds, then you know that it is something the Lord has put on my heart & I am choosing to believe Him for that very thing.

On my left ring finger I wear a ring that symbolizes my commitment to trust the Lord in purity as I wait for Him (and Him alone) to provide a husband for me, because He loves me. Today I found the pledge card I signed on February 9, 1997 when I first publicly made this commitment. The card reads this way:

Believing that true love waits I make a commitment to God, myself, my family, my friends, and my future mate, and my future children to be sexually abstinent from this day until the day I enter a biblical marriage relationship.

That's a big thing to promise. At barely 14 years of age, I made a decision to honor the Lord and the people around me in this aspect of my life and I have to admit I probably thought I'd be married at 18 or 19, so I was mostly unaware of the long term commitment I was making, but the Lord is good. He is so faithful and I am filled with awe when I think of how He has fought for me to be able to keep this pledge; the way the Lord has always provided a way out of situations that could have been compromising or caused me to break this amazing promise He led me to make. What joy! What amazing Grace!

At 27, I get so excited to think about my wedding day and how wonderful it will be to make another pledge--to God, myself, my family, friends & future children--to honor, respect & love the man standing beside me for the rest of our lives. Talk about anticipation!

So as I wait (semi-patiently), I am encouraged that the Lord has good things planned for me, and that whoever this man is, when he comes he can Rest in knowing that by Gods grace I'll be able to keep the promise to love him well, because I started doing so long ago, for God's Glory.

Merry Christmas...I'm still amazed.

2010-12-25T06:57:00.000-08:00

Jesus, we praise you for being born in Bethlehem, the “house of bread.” We were a famished people, binge eating at many empty buffets, “spending money on that which is not bread.”But you came as the Bread of Life, and you brought the incomparable feast of the gospel to our souls. Now we are truly satisfied… now we are finally alive and we “delight in the richest of fare.” (Isa. 55:1-3)

The Incarnation is so overwhelming. It takes a day like Christmas for me to recognize that I am in no way "getting it" when it comes to the very Truth that God became man. I can't fit that into a day. That has to change my life right?! I can't stay the same because I have ENCOUNTERED God or rather God has chosen to encounter me. Who stays the same after that? I love the season of Advent so much, but I, along with so many others, get increasingly distracted as December 25th moves closer. I start forgetting to change the date on the countdown or even read my Advent devotional, and my heart moves away from the very reason for all the festivities.

But isn't it overwhelming, to stop and think about the birth of Jesus?! God came to earth. God sent His Son. Even those two statements simultaneously blow my mind, confuse AND excite me. Don't even get me started on John 1; The word was with God and the Word was God. Excuse me, while I go pick up my brains....

What on earth?!!! It's the biggest mystery in the World. Raising the dead: cool. healing the sick: seen it. casting out demons: we got this. But, He was before all things, in all things, created all things, is sustaining all things (by the power of his words): I'm sorry, what?! You did what? How?! Exactly. So my beef with Christmas Day is that I feel like we keep trying to sum this up into a song or a service or a day (week) of fighting with our families and buying people we don't like presents. And we keep talking about how we should celebrate Christmas all year long, but in about 2 and a half days we will be so engrossed in all the 2010 countdowns we won't remember that JESUS IS GOD AND HE CAME TO THE EARTH HE CREATED!!! (I don't get it every time I write it...)

I have no solution to this problem. Just a hopeful heart that in the next week God will continue to blow my mind with His amazing-ness so that I can't for one second start to think that I've got this Jesus thing down. My prayer, starting today, is that God will capture my heart with His mystery in 2011. We serve a God that our brains can't really fathom if we stop and think about it, but He has put eternity into our hearts, and He continues to pursue us with His everlasting Love.

So that's my Christmas gift to myself this year, or rather from Jesus. The gift of mystery. I am going to let myself be overwhelmed by Jesus instead of constantly trying to figure Him out. I'm going to look for Him all around and love Him both in and out of the pages of Scripture and I'm going to let myself be loved by God.

Merry Christmas to me.

Happy Birthday, indeed, Jesus. You are so easy to love and so worthy to be adored. Now, help us busy ourselves today with loving and serving the people you’ve placed in our lives. So very Amen, we pray, in your matchless and merciful name.

my new plan

2010-12-24T20:46:00.000-08:00

I think I'm going to skip Christmas from now on. Its always a fuss, a fight, an argument and it drives me crazy. So I'm going to continue celebrating from Dec 1-Dec 23 (including holiday parties & gift exchanging) and then I'm going to be MIA for two days (probably on a beach somewhere with good coffee and a journal) and then I'll show up again on the 26th or 27th--just in time to celebrate my mom's birthday. This is my new plan.

So. over. Christmas.

Rain, Rain go away...

2010-12-21T20:42:00.000-08:00

Okay, first of all I saw "Tron" today. epic. I seriously LOVED it. In all honesty I think I liked it better than "Voyage of the Dawn Treader" (which I also liked...mostly). Maybe it was the 80s music, or the nostalgia...but I highly recommend it.

It's POURING in San Diego...kind of annoying, but I'm trying to enjoy it. Hopefully, it lets up though...I would really like to make it to the beach sometime sooooooon.

Its good to be home either way.

I think I had a million more things to say, but now I can't remember....so here's a picture of me and Junior. I love this little boy. He is such a blessing in my life.

Oh Jesus, fill me with Joy and Peace. Thank you for the way you give good gifts to your children...myself included.

Looking for an awesome, affordable xmas gift?! check this out!!

2010-12-13T19:08:00.000-08:00

Sooooo my friend Angie makes jewelry. Its pretty awesome. If you're looking for an awesome, affordable and handcrafted gift for a friend I would say go for these. They are $10 each and so much fun. Plus, they are creative and a good example of a Restorer mindset. I love that Angie has found a way to contribute to the story of Redemption through creating and crafting and just being a beautiful Life Giver with the gifts God has blessed her with.

So I vote that you support this lady and her brilliant family through purchasing one of these amazing necklaces (she makes rings & earrings as well).

This green necklace says "Love" but I couldn't get it to not be in mirror image....plus I'm extremely tired and therefore will not be figuring out how to do that in this moment....

For a look at some more of Angie's creations go to:

http://ephesians210designs.blogspot.com/

Persnickety Picnics: When I was a kid Queen Susan and Prince Caspian di...

2010-12-13T16:13:00.000-08:00

I love my dear friend Sydney. She recently started blogging and I think you should check out her blog. Its pretty funny. Props to you Sydney!! (do you think your children will know what the word "props" means???)

Persnickety Picnics: When I was a kid Queen Susan and Prince Caspian di...: "My dad told me that he walked a couple of miles to school every morning even in the snow, that he lived on a farm and went to work (real wor..."

"its not the sort of thing you do forever...right?"

2010-12-02T21:27:00.000-08:00

I was having a conversation with a guy I know who owns a local coffee shop in town (it happens to be my favorite one) and we were chatting about grad school and how we don't really want to go, but it seems like a good plan in case you want to do something "different". He asked me if I thought owning a coffee shop was the kind of thing you do forever...we couldn't really answer the question. I think in some moments I think, well yes, of course, but then there's the part of me that isn't sure.

What do you do forever?

I'm lacking direction currently. I had a plan. It was mapped out pretty well and had all the appropriate stamps of approval on it...but about three weeks ago God challenged me to trust him and take some steps that cause me to question everything. I don't know WHAT I want to do. Thats me being honest....I want to help people. That sounds so...cliche, confusing and vauge. I want to live simply and I want to be generous. I want to give away my life, my time, my money, and all my love. I want to be a giver not a taker. And right now I feel like a consumer. Like a life taker, like I'm grabbing at things and not sharing. ugh. it feels disgusting.

I want to give. And its frustrating because I wish it was always in the way other people want me to...but its not. Ready for a confession?

i miss the coffee culture.

I do. It is just the truth. It seems like every time I quit, I pretty much just want to go back to it because I love it. It promotes community, story-sharing, creativity, education, positivity, giving back, local art (in various forms) and a whole host of things I value highly. Plus I get to make coffee, which I love doing, and serve people (which is actually pretty fun!).

So what do I do with this? I simply don't have the resources to make it happen on my own. I just know that there's something missing in my life....I'm admittedly bored. I suppose it will get figured out some day.

For His Glory, by His Grace...

my favorite phrase

2010-11-29T09:43:00.000-08:00

"Remember that one time we..."

I am confident that this is the phrase long impacting relationships are made of. Now I know you can spend time and do activities with people on a regular basis, and still never know them. But some of my best relationships are with people I did memorable things with; people I lived memorable scenes with (in the words of Donald Miller).

I'm a fan of making memories. Its just my thing. When I want to get to know someone well I try to write something into the story that will be worth remembering. Its why I love camp and retreats...something always happens that people look back on and remember how great it was.

A few I thought of this morning:

Hey Laura, remember that one time we drove to oceanside at midnight with Lawson, Jordan, Shawna & Drana....and we may or not have gotten in the water. ;)

Hey Joe, Remember that one time you and Matt Hall made me jump off a ridiculous cliff into the ocean in Hawaii? CRAZY!

Hey Kyle, remember that one time we hiked to an awesome waterfall in hawaii with Jordan & James....good, good times.

Hey Em, remember that one time we got stupid lost on our way to Redding, CA aka the middle of nowhere!? (James Blunt still sounds like Cher!)

Hey Nikki, remember that one time we lived together in Costa Mesa? (can we go back?)

Hey Amy, remember that one time we got left in a sketchy place in Cuba....by ourselves?

Hey Jess, remember that one time they tried to accuse you of stealing in a Kazakh grocery store, but it was just your Old Navy pants tag...?

Hey Holly, remember that one time we went hiking, but you locked your keys in the car....?

I love it. My life is full of them.....what are some of your favorite memories?

5 things

2010-11-28T07:39:00.000-08:00

You become like the people you interact with And if you're friends are living boring stories, you probably will too." ~A Million Miles in a Thousand Years.

I like to play this game I call "5 things you'd do if you knew you wouldn't fail". Not the most creative name since the way you play is you name off 5 things you would do if you KNEW there was zero percent chance of failing. The next step is to try it anyway. I've only been half good at my own game, but its always a good reminder of whats deep in my heart and how the Lord Jesus has wired me in His wisdom. So I'll share my list with you and I want to hear from YOU too! So share...it can be anything, after all its just a game...right?

Get married (to a super awesome godly & crazy hot man that loves Jesus more than anything)
Have a 5 kids (remember this a fail-proof zone. so my kids all turn out to be awesome)
Run a coffee house (targeted towards world changing, crazy creative college students)
write a book (or two)
backpack through Europe for super cheap with awesome people (and go to Israel after)

Its funny, once my list gets going I can think of a million things....but these are five that are on my heart. So tell me your list and then lets encourage each other in our hopes and dreams. Don't be the boring friend....help someone accomplish whats on their list (if you don't know what's on it ASK!). And pray for each other, because we need the love and the community or we won't even try.

And a word of caution to my friends who consider themselves to be "realists" or "pessimistic" or just plain "party poopers", if someone is brave enough to tell you their dreams, don't bring up all the obstacles that they will face. They probably know all those already....but the beautiful thing about walking with Jesus is there is HOPE --amazing hope and grace that can change everything.

So dream a little today....and then try one or two of them.

LETS RISK EVERYTHING.

Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

my thanksgiving list

2010-11-25T10:45:00.000-08:00

The obligatory Thanksgiving list: (is it an oxymoron to say "obligatory thanksgiving"?)

My family-crazy, but so so fun. There's no drama like family drama.
My friends- God has given me some pretty cool friends...not gonna lie. I like you all.
My besties- Em, Rach, Shanda, KT, Katie, Linds, Morgan, Jessa, & Sarah Jane!! There's nothing like having people who know you well and like you anyway! :)
Coffee- I just like it a lot...had to be in here.
My job- umm..I do a lot of fingerpainting & story reading, but mostly I spend a lot of time speaking love and truth into the lives of pre K kids, for Gods glory. Love it!
My mentors- past, present and future. I am grateful for all the people who have poured into my life over the years. Rox, MJ, Keri, Michelle, Randy & Robin, Dick & Nancy, Angie, Deana, Mr. Earnest, Coach Justin & Mrs J just to name a few...
My girls- thank you to the ladies who have let me invest in their lives over the years, who have honored me by letting me help them grow, who have let me enter in their journey as a friend and mentor. Abi, Nikki, KMalt, Katie Q, Natasha, SJ, Susie, Kaydee, Kayla, Kelly, Alison, Caitlin, Gaby G.-- What a JOY it is to see you walk with Jesus now and know that I got to walk with you in some form or fashion! Praise the One!
Godly men- Nathan J Emmans, Jon Coulter, Chad Rickard, Chris Miller. Thanks for being awesome men of God and marrying my besties...your lives are a good reminder to us single ladies that there are men worth waiting for. (PS Its wouldn't hurt for you to get a godly single guy friend or two either....)

Those are just a few things I'm thankful for.

"But, Lord Jesus, on this Thanksgiving morning, we’re most of all thankful for you, for you ARE the gospel. It’s your love for us that’s better than life and bigger than we realize. You crushed the head of the serpent for us and soon you’ll crush him under our feet (Romans 16:20). Come quick! Your Bride increasingly longs for your return. The future with you is our centering joy and empowering hope. So very Amen, we pray in your glorious and grace-filled name."

home

2010-11-24T10:14:00.000-08:00

Its always good to be home.